Almost a year after I left England...

My last blog was a venting session.

I was a very different woman before I went to England than when I left it, and even more so now.  A huge amount of draining (positive/negative) life events happened after I left England.  Re-entry anxiety wasn't really allowed in my life situation, so my last blog was I think the biggest show of re-entry.

I was a lot more neurotic before England.  I had a lot more static and some stuff I just couldn't wrap my head around.  Now I get it.  And now I miss it.

I've been back on AU campus where I was spoiled before I went to England.  But the gloriously rough time I had in England spoiled AU for me.  There's something about a campus run by ideals that's a relief from the "crunch time" of reality.  But within this educational institution is a lot of time to argue over this option and that one, when what matters is actually pretty simple.

I had so much dissonance when I first went to England because I used to do all that "shades of gray" arguing and being an SM at Stanborough was baptism by fire into how the real world works, how fast you have to think on your feet and what matters in the long term vs. what doesn't.  The culture in England didn't have time for my nerves and preferences, but you know what, I'm kinda glad they're gone.  I like the changes that happened to me in England even though I hated the process (who wouldn't?  It hurts).

I miss England, I want to go back.  I'm entertaining fantasies about not just visiting but working there.  This could be just huge pangs of missing England, but I'm not so sure.  The loves that are true you never get over.  Withdrawal pains eventually cease.  Some people you're happy to stay in touch with through the internet but it doesn't kill you to not be with them in person.

I do love Andrews University, I do.  I love what it stands for and it's filled with precious people.  People are precious everywhere; God made them that way.

But there's something about American culture that no longer makes me feel really at home here.
I haven't quite put my finger on it yet.

I just know that right now, when I think about what I'm going to do over the summer and what classes I'll take next year, my reaction is pretty numb.  But when I think of going back to England and getting back into the hard work I came to embrace, and the people I lived, loved & worked with, I light up...!

Again, I'm aware that this might be just that I'm missing England badly.

But what if it's not?

Lots of people are born and raised in one country and then they transplant to another.

My parents won't be thrilled about this next part, but even while my grades are better than I've ever had (like wow, hello Dean's list), I'm struggling to find motivation to keep taking the classes I need to graduate.

Since I'm studying to be in ministry, yet I did ministry as a student missionary in England, why do I need to finish?  I know it's a stupid question, but I feel moody and I'm just putting it out there.

One thing that could very well be affecting my motivation towards getting degrees, certifications & whatnot is that the last year of 2011 had a lot of loss, shock and heartbreak.  Way too much.  I was in heavy grieving last fall and I'm still not over everything that happened, but at a certain point I felt I needed to suck it up so others around me wouldn't feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes I think people treat grief like a mental illness, like if someone keeps grieving past a certain point (and who the hell gets to decide that point??), then there's something wrong with them.  No.  Grief shows love.  How long and hard you grieve is how deep and wide you loved.  It also shows the nature of the loss.  Last year I had one gradual loss that finally finished and then two shocking, sudden losses that were beyond my control. Horrific to me.

Maybe loss has simplified my life too much.

It's certainly made me feel like a lot of my old "ties" to this world have been cut and all I want to do is kiss school goodbye and just work with people.

Yeah, if/when my parents see this, I'm sure they'll flip.  Daddy wants me to get a doctorate in something and Mom agrees.  Ugh.  Doctorate.  Ugh.

I feel like getting a super-duper specialization in something means that then I'll be in a super-specific place and be able to see & interact less people because my specialty makes me in demand.

But I see somebody with "doctoral material" as having more effect by spreading themselves around.

I'm cursed with being good at whatever I put my mind to.  Picking one thing to hone in on is hard.  It makes me feel like I'd have to get rid of other things.

I've already said goodbye to violin.
I'm not a voice major anymore and I barely have lessons anymore.
I've studied early levels of Spanish and have great pronunciation but I haven't traveled overseas to get fluent yet.  I'm good at communications but it's only my minor.  I'm good with psychology too, yet it is also a minor.  Religion is also something I'm conquering, but even in class I feel like we're arguing over details that don't matter.  In a Biblical studies class the teacher said jewelry is a social issue, not a moral one.  So why the hell do we discriminate against people by appearance since God looks at the heart?  In Theology, we learn about how "what we believe" has developed to what it is now, and I'm learning all these complex theories for how to understand the cross, etc., but when you're dealing with a church member who is emotionally abused, how does the different between Karl Barth and Martin Luther help them?  I feel like we have such complex things to study, because we left simplicity in the first place.  How do all the theories and systems and facts we have to memorize help at all when the most serious things that affect a person (pain & loss in their various forms) are best ministered to NOT THROUGH WORDS?!

Why do I need to get such a costly education to learn other people's opinions when the love of God is now?  When the love of God is simple?  When the love of God is already available for me and for others?  When God's love led Jesus to choose uneducated men to spread the good news?  When God's love is best communicated through friendship, an embrace, a listening ear, a tender touch, and a helping hand, not an exegesis paper few people will read or a sermon people can walk away from and forget, why do I have to do this to myself?

It is so difficult to keep your personal faith alive going through the system of religious education.  It's a process that makes many people (I've seen) as good for the world as PROCESSED FOOD is for your body.  But those who were least "refined" and more simple & raw - like fruits & vegetables - may not look like gourmet dishes with an awesome resume, but boy do they get results!  Boy do they know how to make people feel loved!  Those "least refined" people are the real people living in the real world.  Today so many people going into ministry want to shelter themselves from the things of the world, yet they want to be successful in ministry.  How can you be in the world but not of it unless you are exposed to it?  If you want to be successful in ministry and not see the crap that's out there, all you want to do is preach from a pulpit to people who will already agree to you.  The early church grew because people were telling others about Jesus and embracing them as their own, sharing things, mourning with those who mourned and rejoicing with those who rejoiced.  Mixing classes and cultures.  Coming together.  The continued fusion became growth.  And then instead of growing, it started branching to the point that there are tons of various denominations to choose from, all of them offering the truth.

What is it with all this class-taking just to share God's love?

I don't have a conclusion.
I have a bad mood.

I miss England.

And more than England, I just want the Great Controversy to be over so we can all go Home.

Can you tell that I'm tired?

I am.

But don't worry I'm not going anywhere.

Except maybe England, later, I don't know...

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Pray for me, I am not happy with my life these days.

Repressed not so much anymore.

Though I missed most of it, since I had 2 church services of choir I'd committed to, I caught the end-of and just got back-from our student missionary re-entry retreat.  Food, talking, activities, SM-produced on-the-spot worship service (product of us being numbered off), etc.

Beforehand, I attended a social or two for those of us who were getting ready to leave, and I'd seen SMs on stage being involved, etc.  They all understood each other a certain way, they made it look like a good thing and like you'd definitely be changed, but the huge changes we were all about to go through just ... it wasn't gotten across.  It was mentioned, but I wasn't aware of the upcoming ... total & utter reconstruction.

These pre-trip & post-trip get-togethers are nice, they're fun, there's some light bonding & whatnot, but I honestly feel as though there's pressure for there to be a certain kind of experience.  Some things are easier to talk about than others; certain aspects are almost glamorized.  What about those of us who have tough things to talk about and who'd rather use factual anecdotes to fill in the gaps between the positive stories because the difficulties of our experience would make others uncomfortable, because there's a surplus of negative stories?  It's just as possible that a great good came from a great difficulty as it is possible that a great good came from a student missionary experience where you "didn't want to leave" at the end, which so many seem wont to say.  What about those of us who - as much as we bonded with where we traveled to and the people there - were eager to return home?  What about those of us who don't seem like poster children, necessarily?

What about the life of a student missionary without its makeup on?

It's not just that it's hard.

What if there are some things you went through or witnessed that you feel were wrong and need changing?  Not just forgiving?

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I've refrained from full disclosure on this blog - both regarding events that transpired as well as my reactions - because I was quickly informed upon arrival to England that they get to know the student missionaries by reading their blogs.  There was hardly ever a place to let my guard down for the sake of being a good SM.  I don't even think I started venting fully to my own mother until several months after I'd been in England.

I will continue to refrain & use discretion, but this I will say (since it's started to eek out in skype conversation with understanding British friends).

I have and always will be committed to seeing the silver lining whenever possible.  God is good.  But people ask me about my experience in England - somehow thinking I was in London, not Watford - grinning at me and assuming it was kickass rockin' awesome, and I respond "It was good.  Really hard, but very good.  I'm glad I did it.  I don't regret it."

All that is true.

But.

The "really hard" bit came from a huge spiritual allergic reaction I had to the atmosphere the entire time I was there.  It wasn't the culture shock; in certain homes and in the company of certain people, I felt more at peace, but I'd just like to say that churches are maintained by humans, no matter their degrees or titles. These humans can get as tired and worldly and insensitive as those merely attending or not even part of the church at all.  Now of course, that's a given (though I feel that some people need to be reminded, since they think they've got a free pass to holiness because they're in ministry), but there was a lack of energy & personal evidence to make sure they were all personally taking Jesus in and breathing Jesus out vs. making events happen.  And because my private relationship with God is a priority to me, the friction I regularly got made life extremely difficult; in a church of all places, you'd think spending time alone with God wouldn't be viewed as a frowned-upon luxury.  Jesus wasn't always with the masses.  He withdrew often to solitude.  He needed to replenish.  We all do.  That's one of the MOST needed ways we have to replicate Him, not one of the ways that was "uniquely Jesus."

There are some who might read the above paragraph and then hotly respond as though I spent too much time in my room and it's necessary to be available.  I was VERY available as the majority of people would say so.  I was polite through the times when certain people made me feel slow and stupid, which silently infuriated me since I'm not good with quick comebacks and since I never was unkind and since it's downright thoughtless and foolish to make judgments on a person because they're different, nevermind that they're just as capable; it's like a form of emotional racism and I hated it.  I had gifts that can't be replicated and I did things nobody would have stretched themselves to do, yet those things were taken for granted as part of me "being a nice person."  I was shocked at what got laughed at and what people shrugged their shoulders over.  Shocked.  I took care of the people who had greatly aggravated me.  I Took Care of them.  I made a point of doing so, because whatever misunderstanding they had, I didn't want to give it any credit whatsoever even though sometimes helping them unnecessarily (aside from my assigned responsibilities) felt galling.  The amount of affirmation I received still makes me blush when I remember.  Service is felt by those on the receiving end, not by the critics on the sideline and according to those who received what I had to give, I got an A+.  Nobody can possibly get along with everyone and even those who love each other can't get along perfectly 24/7.  Sometimes all it takes for some people is a small blip on the radar for them to lash out with paranoia rather than seeing the big picture, taking it in stride and - oh I dunno - nurturing & defending those they work with rather than turning on them.  Whatever happened to unity being important?  It's like asking someone to chop wood with a sprained wrist when "teams" function that way.  You may work through the pain, but how is that good for you?  The wood gets chopped, but your sprain just might be worse off and if this sort of thing keeps up, you just might wish it were as small a problem as a sprain.  When constructive criticism is necessary, it needs to be given with tact, not like a tractor otherwise it does more harm than good to someone with less fortitude and even though I've got a lot of fortitude I felt like there were plenty of moments when I did NOT need the extra dose of character development lab.  Thank you very much.

I did realize and say this to - again - try & diffuse the idea that I have a personal vendetta; I don't.  I made the connection that people in ministry are very tired because needs are 24/7 and personal and ministry is against the grain of sinful nature.  Of course we're going to rub each other the wrong way.  But I didn't see hardly any conviction that people realized they needed to take extra care of themselves, since they're in a position to so greatly influence others.  Church is a HUGE influence for life, for good or evil.  We don't take that seriously enough.  We're not humble enough to embrace our need and some of us won't come down off our high horses to remember that church is about Jesus, not about the location or style.  Issues of the heart transcend location & style of worship.  I'll be bold and say I think there's the existence of church politics at all because of how little we genuinely call upon the Holy Spirit's presence; I think we just say we're praying for Him and I think it's tantamount to taking His name in vain, except it's worse than someone swearing on a street in London.  People who are humble don't get their hearts hardened and if groups were praying like in Pentecost, with hearts truly open and ready to obey and ready to be changed if necessary, we'd have the unity and successes that Pentecost had as well.  The Holy Spirit hasn't left us yet; He's still close by to walk alongside us and hear & respond to our prayers.  And I'll be bolder still and say that my beefs with church politics are addressed to both Parallel & Main Service committees.  Y'all gotta work together and not talk smack about each other behind closed doors. "Whatever you say/do to the least of these," Jesus said, "you've said/done to Me."  By this standard, I AM guilty too.  God forbid I get on a high horse while I'm delivering criticism and venting honestly at last.  If I got on a high horse I'd deserve what would come to me, because I have bad luck with horses as it is.  It's an issue we all have, and if more of us aspired to better things, well then the majority just might become a good thing rather than a negative pun.

I made many good friendships, I left a lot of people behind whom I love greatly and miss.  But you can love people, and develop relationships while having huge issues with the regular choices & effects of said choices.  I think that helps explain the complexity of abandoning repression of these issues I have while still saying I don't regret the experience and I did come to love the place & its people.  It DID become my second home.  God set me free while I was in England.  Its geography will forever be precious to me.

But for most of the time I was there, I was shocked by the ugliness & hypocrisy that doesn't just exist but almost thrives in a religious institution.  By what is allowed.  By what is either not at all considered or what is glanced at and belittled.  By where priorities are.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Please try and understand, I didn't feel personally shot at - nobody over there had personal vendettas against me, but I feel as though my heart and my faith struggled to stay alive like no other time in my life.  There was a time in March when I felt like I was losing my mind and I remember sobbing in a friend's lap that "I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to do!"

This year changed me to have far more respect for God giving you energy for the last little push - to reach a little farther for that vital grip - than I have for the sweeping emotion that makes you feel like skipping through a meadow with elation.  That last push, that last stretch is far more important, especially if you're rock-climbing and that inch or two involves your soul staying in one piece.

In an earlier blog I described the differences between the UK & USA as a delicate hopscotch, because they're both so urban & modern yet so different.  It was tricky.  The mass of negativity I experienced is like that as well; it was here & there but not quite everywhere.  And repeating situations didn't mean the negativity got repeated.  This led to a lifestyle of feeling as though I always had to be on edge personally, not just on-call professionally.  Someone might say, "Trust God and you won't be on edge."  Not necessarily so.  Sometimes your circumstances don't allow you to not be on edge, but it's ONLY trusting God that keeps you sane and even successful.  You do not know how much it killed me that when I was struggling the most on the inside, when I was regularly asking what the point of my faith was, that the "public opinion" about me was the most positive; I was getting along well with nearly everyone (finally) and was having professional breakthroughs, my tasks were getting easier, etc.  It scared me.  That I could feel so disconnected from God yet have people telling me that I was so wonderful.  Now, I know it'd be disrespectful to God to be totally scared about that, since it's clearly an evidence of God's grace despite circumstances.  But it scared me nonetheless and I know it wasn't stupid fussing.  I know it was valid.  God was good and He is great about making sure the glory goes to Him no matter how His children are doing.  But I've never felt like such an empty shell.  Except the emptiness was because of so much that I'd repressed and shoved WAY down and put lots (way too much) unhealthy food on top of.

Praise be to God I haven't felt like that for months now; God led me out and has continued and is still leading me to better places.  This year broke my pendulum swing.  I can't possible think everything's either total hell or absolutely wonderful.  My eyes have been opened.

I RECOMMEND that people give a year of service.  I had a year that put my heart through hell, but it was paradoxically a great good.  There's a song lyric that says, "If I'm never broken, how can I be restored?"  We're born with a sinful nature and Oswald Chambers says that our spiritual journey isn't about God teaching us new things, but about helping us unlearn the bad things.

This year was hard and while I could go back to Stanborough Park Church and willingly, happily do another year there, I never want to go through the mental dissonance and emotional pain a second time.  But you know, there was a medical case of Grey's Anatomy Season 7.  Their theme was "Let the healing begin," because at the end of season 6, there was a mass shooting in the hospital.  This metaphorical medical case is as follows: a young man has a brain tumor in a very difficult place.  If he doesn't have the operation, he will most assuredly die.  But if he does have it, he has a chance at life though the risk is still quite high.  They have to split his entire face (skull included) open to access the tumor.  Recovery will be long and painful.  I found it ironic that the surgery split open his face; a personal place, crux to one's identity.  The man survived and when he became conscious, he was indeed in serious pain, but Dr. Shepherd (McDreamy as some of us know him & all the ladies go "Aww!") rushed to his side and said,

"Hang on.  This is victory pain.  This is healing pain."

Lately the working summary of my year (Dad suggested "Messy Church," which I thought was great) is as follows: all the key relational & atmospheric props for my faith were jerked away and I had to rough it with God.  You make it or you break.  Somehow, I got through.  I never would have made it without Jesus.  He was the one relationship I was able to take with me over to England; and over there we went way deeper.  You can't truly go deep with anyone unless you go through the ugly, depressing, angering, oppressive areas inside of YOU and in the world.  You may think you've had a bad year or the worst one yet, but it's the year when you nearly lost your faith, when you ate ripe disappointment with God; that's the worst year of anyone's life.  And when you go through it, you KNOW it.  All past, present & future difficulties pale in comparison.

As for me earlier saying that it scared me that one of my most successful seasons was when I felt like a shell, I just heard a song lyric that spoke to me while typing here:

"Glory is putting others before yourselves." (Jaeson Ma)

God took care of His glory, and even though I felt I didn't deserve praise I received because of my internal status, maybe it was His kindness that people thought I was so wonderful as a tender touch on my obedience.  A touch I'd one day receive as a comfort, even if at first it made me sick.

It is an overwhelming beauty when you slowly, daily experience God restoring your faith back to you, except this is a true faith; not your natural talents or aptitudes being mistaken as faith.  You've been broken so now you're unbreakable.  Faith isn't about what you have, it's about what God has.  It's not about your heart, it's about His.  And because of this, we have the most amazing assurance.

Praise God.

From Survey to Blog

I was filling out one of those surveys - mostly it's just us girls who do them - and it struck me when I was done that I should copy/paste one or two (or three?) of the questions & answers here since they are so strongly tied to my student missionary experience.

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What is something you've learned about yourself recently?  Hmm... I'm gonna go for a big picture sort of analysis and define recently as this past year: I've learned to own my faith in God without the props and relationships that usually nurture and comfort it.  When I went away to England as a student missionary, it was one of the hardest years I've ever had, though I still call it one of the top 5 best things to ever happen to me.  Stuff was happening with loved ones outside England that gave my faith a run for its money and frankly, all the things that made me most comfortable in Michigan were lowest priority in England.  I suppose I've been learning the power and value of my own ability to choose and learning more to not care what other people think.  For too long I've been catering to the people who don't have my best in mind and not giving my best to those who love me so well.  There was something wrong with that picture - no wonder  I had painful growing experiences ahead.


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What is one thing you've learned about life?  That we shouldn't expect life on this side of heaven to be LIKE heaven; that's just setting yourself up for perpetual disappointment.  Life one earth until Jesus comes is love during wartime.  God's love for us, ours for him and ours for each other.  And we all know how both overtly & subtly wartime expresses itself.  And I'm speaking in spiritual terms, not just literal terms.  If you accept that every once in awhile life is going to upset your apple card, you won't be so blind-sided and you'll actually be better able to protect who & what you love when the hits do come.


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What's your worst experience?  When people you care about turn out to not be real friends at all and they play mind games to control you.  That is the worst manipulation & messing-up ever.  And what's worse is when the people doing it claim to be Christian examples.  Jesus once compared the pharisees to white-washed tombs filled with dead men's bones.  I think the bones were from those poor souls who got "eaten alive" and then put through the meat-grinder.  So often we only practice Christian values in doctrine but not in relationships.


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How many things in your past do you regret?  I wish I'd tried to draw out the deep waters in people rather than talking as much as I have.  I also wish that I'd learned more of what I know now sooner.  But the experiences that were once so hard... they propelled me into the arms of Jesus in a way I never would have known if I were in a "peace time" bubble, so I'm actually thankful for how other people failed me.  I know it sounds weird...


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If you could change anything about your past, what would you change?  I would have been more personally responsible/independent and thoughtful about the needs of others.


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What are some of your biggest fears of your life?  Letting my lessons learned slip so that I have to go through another unthinkably hard year to get back on track.  Just because last year was a top-5 doesn't mean I ever want to experience the same pain & struggle a second time.  Never again, please.


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What's the one thing you hope to accomplish in your life?  I want to do what God's called me to do.  Yes, it'll be high risk sometimes, but that's also where my conscience feels most safe, where my soul rests the most (not the same as numbing the angst with food), and where I feel most alive!  Like I'm doing what I was meant to do; what nobody else can do but me.  It's a challenge AND a pleasure.


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Are looks important?  To a degree, but looks do fade and fluctuate.


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Do you believe in love?   Ah, the real question is: what kind of love do you believe in?  But stepping aside from silly hair-splittings like that, yes I believe in love.  Love comes from God.  God IS love.  If the church has given you a bad taste, I don't blame you - been there, done that.  If life events make it seem impossible for a good & all-powerful God to exist, it's then that you either have to abandon God altogether or voyage into the tempest to find Him personally, because it's at that point where nobody can tell you what to do or answer your questions.  We're made for love and made in the image of Love.  It's a big deal, a lifelong commitment even if you're just trying to be a good single Christian friend & family member, aside from the bigger leagues of relationships & marriage.  Love is hard as well as good; people only want the good - they don't want to deal with the hard, and so they bail and then paint love in ugly colors.  The people who don't bail, even if they get left behind, actually don't stop believing in love even if they have wounds to recover from.  Those stories aren't told enough.  The way God sustains you through loss - if you ask Him to - is one of the most binding and strongly bonding experiences a person can have with God.  'Ever notice how God created the world primarily beautiful and secondarily functional and therein lies His divine genius?  We were made by love and for love.  People say that love isn't a fairy tale, but we forget that the fairy tales had some high stakes and epic challenges.  We always know the ending and so we yawn that all's well that ends well, but the characters (yes I know they're fictional) didn't know the ending.  And reaching back before the fairy tale we have BIBLE STORIES.  Full of miracles, the magical presence of our powerful God and impossibilities become hysterically funny realities and images so stunning that you can only bow and worship and obey.  God experiences emotions like we do - He gets us; He didn't just make us and walk away.  Even after we screwed up, He hunkered down to pursue a relationship with each of us if we'd only be willing.  Hopeless romantics are more noble and special and a class to be preserved than we know; I think that God loves to work with hopeless romantics, making them into passionate Christians just like He runs to the prodigal son but is sadly put off by "the good son."  God gets us, but He's not like us, which is EXACTLY WHY He's dependable.  He's wild and He does things we can't always understand, but He never fails to bring out a greater good if you never let Him go.  There are answers we'll never have here on earth, but I don't want a God I can explain with my finite mind.  To have the God you want, you have to embrace not having all the answers for yourself.  Do you want a genie in a bottle with limits - even if he is there at a simple rub - or the God who is mighty to save, forgiving, mysterious and loves you with an everlasting love?

Yes, I believe in Love.

Further Ripples

Some randomly occurring bits for you...

A few weeks ago on Sabbath, I had a treat!  A visiting (married) couple at our church turned out to be ex-student missionaries.  When they heard I had just gotten back from my SM posting, they brightened up and told me they'd been SMs together in South America - 'twas where they met & fell in love.  I, in turn, brightened up at seeing two people who understood "what it's like."

We talked about the basics; where we'd been and what we were doing as SMs...  It was short and sweet, but it felt like taking the lid off my Pandora's Box of my struggles.  These days when I notice that I have trouble with reverse culture shock, it's not a constant awareness.  It surprises me.  I think it's been so important for me to get control over my emotions because when I got back to America, my life was so busy for a solid month (in many different places) that my emotional ups & downs were unwelcome complications for memorial & graveside services, weddings, graduation weekends and all the road trips & plane trips in between during which I had to be pleasant (preferably).

My encounter with the ex-SM couple gave me a quick preview of what a relief and pleasure it'll be to be reunited with all the other SMs when we go back to school.  Japhet put it very well: "Everyone is going to want to hear about your experience, but they're going to want to hear it in 2 minutes and then they quit listening."  Most people - with a few delightful exceptions - want what we've all gone through and how we've changed to be a pithy, quaint testimony in the form of a fortune cookie.

Even family, with whom it's wonderful to be back with, don't quite understand, and it does feel lonely sometimes.  A blessing, though, is that having introverted needs means I don't mind the solitude; I need it, actually.

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Also, I wanted to share that while certain changes were inevitable and will always be, some of the better ones wear off if you don't deliberately nurture them.  Basically I mean tendencies towards service.  Those tendencies were very fresh when I first got back, but then I caught myself acting kinda ugly after about a month.  The instances were extremely minor and before I was an SM, I would have labeled them as "taking care of me" but not anymore.

Beforehand, the SM environment was the set of supportive stilts for being unselfish.  Now, we don't necessarily have supportive stilts, but we do have opportunities that are just as frequent to be loving and helpful.

I say that I caught myself acting ugly.  I use the word ugly, because it just wasn't appealing.  Not necessarily repellant, but unappealing, and you know what else?  I didn't feel like myself when I acted that way.  When we keep trying to live a life of loving kindness to others, the person God intended and designed us to be shines through.

This thing is bigger than the year of service we gave.

Let's not waste it.

Reverse Culture Shock

http://www.oxy.edu/x5228.xml

I'm starting to look up online links to help me with what I'm going through.  Reading that euphoria over returning home lasts a few weeks makes sense and that afterwards comes irritability, which also makes sense.

I'm looking up these things, because I want to be as informed as I can, so I can make the best choices I can.  Choices made without available knowledge send me to be swept away when I could be in a boat, though dealing with the exact same waves.

Thank goodness I have understanding parents who are thrilled that I'm back with them.

I don't find myself nearly so irritable (yet) as I do "limp noodle"-ish.  My old environment's challenges were motivators for me to spend time with God to stay sane and when I wasn't by myself, I was always doing something or with someone.  Now, it's like my props have fallen away and I'm a cooked macaroni noodle kinda boppin' in a dish...

BUT the good thing is that my time at Stanborough has given me inclinations towards keeping the house and kitchen tidy and preparing suppers for Daddy when he gets home from work.  I'm much more domestic than I used to be, and as for my devotional life, it's not that I have no focus, just that I balk at my reaction to the over-abundance of free time I once craved...

I'm not in pain or miserable, but limbo is not one of my talents, but I'm doing my best and I know this rest and waiting period is something that will be good for me just the way it is: it shouldn't be jazzed up or decorated, necessarily.  Oswald Chambers talks sometimes about (I'm not directly quoting; just paraphrasing from memory) how the real challenge of Christianity is being faithful in drudgery.  We can get through crises by the skin of our teeth and heaven knows mountaintop experiences are a high to ride, but the day-in, day-out drudgery?  Yeeeeah.  No glory, no glamor...  Not even all that gritty either...

It just is.

I've been home for more than a week now...

A more simple description of my returning-home-reaction that I think will be more widely helpful:

At first everything's as if you never said goodbye.
Because this home that you've returned to is where your roots are.

And then everything starts looking different, shaded by where you actually WERE for the last year.
Because where you were became the home where you grew and bloomed in new ways.

I find that while the pressures of being an SM are no longer on me, I don't want to kick up my feet - emotionally - and go back to the way I lived life before.  It's work to practice unselfishness and extra thoughtfulness, but the payoff of peace from trusting God is preferable to the endless and fruitless work of fending off anxiety that comes from being "justifiably" selfish and trying to once again take control.

I want to keep alive and keep tending what only began to bloom in England.  It may seem tricky to do since now I'm back in the states, but you know how it can happen for me ... and for whichever SM is reading this?

Because it's MY heart I brought back with me from England.  Not someone else's.
Everything changed, but it's my heart I brought back.

AND.

The same God who never left me while I was nauseous with nerves flying to England, who never left me while I was scared and stiff learning how to serve correctly, who never left me while I made mistakes, grew, fussed & flailed, was broken down and finally settled down - the same wonderful Jesus is still with me now.

When you eventually fly home, all the changes can be kept.
All the lessons learned preserved.

The pressure that reminded you to turn to God as often as you did isn't there anymore, but while you're still feeling phantom pain of your old restraints' absence, see now as a time to turn to God just as much out of love, not just need.  Out of desire for more, out of hunger for new, out of belief in the miracles God can do.  And how about out of gratitude???

Your journey is still with God, but the challenge ... the opportunity is what's new.

Did you tap into new riches of God while you were gone?  Are you still at your SM post and still in the midst (or last stretches) of this season of service?  When it's over and when you go home, it's not the end.  Not if you ask Jesus to show you how and follow His lead...
I promise.

Afterglow and Aftermath

This blog is for my fellow SMs and for people who've been following along from the States.  To my loved ones in England, take it in stride, please, though I know some of you will have an easier time with it.

While it was happening, my term as a student missionary felt like 10 minutes ... underwater.  Now that it's over and I'm back in Berrien Springs typing this blog from my favorite lounge in Lamson Hall, I cannot believe how fast the time has flown.  The speed at which SO much is now over is surreal to me.

I thought I'd be a mess the day I left.  I did cry a little bit about three times on my last Sabbath morning, but what took over was the gut-wrenching feeling of being locked into a roller coaster about to take off at warp speed = another huge change is coming, I'm locked into it and I'm scared because this is happening too fast.

I got good at swallowing tears this year.  I didn't not cry - heavens no! - but I learned to suppress and swallow emotions that weren't so pressing as to be necessary.  I had to.  And on my last day in England, emotions were definitely swirling, but they weren't willing to be near the surface for some reason.  And so I decided to not encourage them, since the "pre-roller-coaster" feeling was bad enough.

My VERY dear friend Lynette Allcock came with me to the airport; we held hands the whole drive to Heathrow rather than breaking down.  She'd been a student missionary before me and understood what I was going through.  The beginning of my term as an SM was actually right after she'd finally returned to England from her 2 year term in Laos.  She and I both quickly bonded over the feeling of being fish out of water, not to mention a delightfully huge amount of things in common via personalities and ongoing life events.  We hugged for a long time at the airport and decided to not give in to blubbing and to just let it hit us later.  As I began to walk away to exchange my pound bills for dollars and head through security, rather than a wrenching feeling, I began to feel an uncanny peace.  And it only increased...

My flight began at 5:15pm UK time and it landed a little before 8pm Chicago time.  The whole flight was light outside through the windows and it felt like 5 minutes when it was over.  By all means there are relationships tangibly left behind by my recent absence from England, but those relationships aren't over.  They still matter and they haven't died and there's no blockage in the future to bring them to a devastating stop.  What IS over is that "fish out of water" feeling.  As much as I'm adaptable and as much as I learned to love Stanborough Park Church and as much as there is NOTHING that will take its place in my affections, it feels good for this fish to be back in water again.

I thought that going home would feel crazy-different and that Berrien Springs would have new colors and affect me in a shocking way.  But you know what?  It didn't.  The shock was that I felt a way I never thought I'd feel again.  The surprise was that I didn't feel shocked.  Coming back to Berrien Springs felt easy and walking around Andrews University and interacting with familiar faces was effortless.  Unbelievably effortless.

I grew up my whole life in an atmosphere so different from England that my 9 month term there stripped away most of what usually made me feel comfortable.  My retrospect is only beginning to bubble up, let alone be fully processed, but I am clear that life has been strenuous.  Getting used to it and building up emotional muscle didn't make it less so.  It's like having an operation that nearly kills you but if you don't have it you WILL die anyway, for sure.  I know that's drastic, but this year was a personally taxing time and that's not just the best metaphor I have; it's the one I choose.

This year was personally taxing because I also see more clearly now that my job wasn't just to do a job.  It was to have a new life.  To live in a small flat with 3 other people very different from myself, to adapt to them and to embrace it that our flat was smack dab in the middle of where we worked.  I lived with the people I worked with (one of whom = one of my many bosses) every day and I lived in my 24-7 work environment.  It was nifty & efficient at first, but that wore off eventually.  I'll be blunt: the weekends weren't just reversed.  Friday night through Saturday night went from being the most relaxed time of the week to being the time with the most work.  Such is ministry in the 21st century.  That was a hard adjustment.  Going from being a student who was ministered to by worship services, I became a non-student who was supposed to make worship services for teens, several of whom couldn't care less.  There are other cultures to serve in where it's "worldly" but who would have thought that working in a church and being DUNKED in a nasty struggle with secular comforts would go hand in hand!  Who would have thought that my greatest struggle to hold onto my faith would happen in a church, and a productive one at that!  Because a godly-looking cynicism was the easiest and most effective coping mechanism for the busyness required and the brokenness unavoidable...  But like cocaine, feeling the powerful effects of something (like cynicism) doesn't mean you should adopt it in your vitamin regimen.  No, no, no...  Satan's ways don't satisfy in the end but that doesn't mean they can't distract and it also doesn't mean they can't look like the sensible choice on the outset.  When I first started in Watford, few things were more disheartening than the weekend, but by the time I left, small flickers of interest and response from the teens who attended were golden.  Full genuine sentences made me feel alive!

When I first came, I hated Toddler Club.  There, I said it.  I didn't try to "look pretty" or inviting.  Thursdays were about survival and for awhile I used my earphones and iPod to cope with how much I couldn't stand Toddler Club.  For awhile I know my presence was like a dark cloud on the edge of a "cute festival."  By the time I left, I no longer was afraid of my Thursdays.  They were a breeze and I actually enjoyed working alone.  And Toddler Club?  It was a happy, smiling time.  No angst whatsoever; no earphones or iPod either.  A woman I worked with encouraged me to take them off and ask God into my feelings and in the end, I wound up sharing my music with my co-workers during tidy-up time.  We got done in half the time and wished we'd started playing music sooner!  I smile at the memory and feel regretful, too.  But I can't change the past.  While joy might have been known sooner in that situation, at least God made it work for the joy to be heightened in the end to make up for lost time.  Yesterday, my best friend Kayleen said that she could tell I'd been spending lots of time with little kids, and she's an awesome mother & parent, so I was pretty stoked by her off-hand compliment.

Teens & Toddler Club = just 2 examples with a decent dose of vague out of respect.  I know I'm supposed to write a student missionary blog, but I can't bring myself to truly dissect and divulge everything, because I had a life in England and it wasn't some project.  I lived and worked and loved with people.  It was a personal time and the whole experience - unrated - would make one heck of an unbelievable read.  I would have to be very full of myself or sure of myself to make a statement like that.  Since this year has brought me to the end of myself, you can be sure I'm telling you the truth that I've been holding back for good reasons.  

As the afterglow is winding down, the aftermath kicks in and I realize there's an overwhelming amount of things to process.  So much that I just want to shut down and so much that I wish life was simpler.  But this morning I journaled & prayed to God about it and He showed me something like this:

"For so long you've eaten from the fruit of knowledge.  Eat from life instead.  Rest in My love.  Let go.  Remember how I've led you in the past and remember how your human ways have let you down.  You know those roads and where they end.  Just trust that I've got you and I will make sure you know what you need at the right time.  You will be safe in My arms.  You weren't made to know and control everything.  You were made for life and love.  Let Me worry about power and control.  Rest in My love.  For now, it's all over."

At first, this seems like the hardest thing for me to do.  But not really anymore...  The past year - not just this 9 month SM term - has intimately acquainted me with how short my best efforts & ideas fall without Jesus.  Without my Savior God whom I've become desperately needy for.  Some of those ideas and beliefs frankly had no business existing.  It's embarrassing how much I need God.  It's not poetic.  But it's become such a relief to be broken into the reality of my sinful human condition and not just in acknowledgment of one sinful, human mistake.  There's an ocean of difference between the two and it's a life-changing experience...

I don't know what all you, my fellow SMs, have been learning about yourselves and about God as your terms wind down, but I hope this helps.  I know it's more of a personal vs. principle angle, so parts of it might be hard to apply but this year has been deep-tissue personal and since we're all SMs I know all of it's not lost on you as you read.

I think, as we all come back home in our own time, that we need to let God do the leading as we rebuild our lives yet again.

He's got this.