My First Sermon: "The Abundant Life"

When I took homiletics for my religion major with Pastor/Dr. Glenn Russell at Andrews University in the fall of 2011, we didn't choose the Bible text of our first sermon.  He had chosen verses for us ahead of time and handed them to us as he saw fit.  I don't remember the date, but I remember Pastor Russell handing me Matthew 12:43-45 and saying, "Here Chloe, you'll have fun with this one."

At first this was just a 5-minute sermon to be given in class.  Then it was supposed to be elongated and given in a church & videotaped so that it could be graded.  I have preached this sermon three times in three different churches.  Each time, I've revised & refined it a bit more.  I can't remember the exact dates of the second two times (I know they were in April & July of 2014) but ironically I can remember the first date I preached this sermon - December 31, 2011.  I am a better preacher than I was in the beginning, but I still think my natural tendencies lie more with talking one-on-one than public speaking (though I'm not afraid to preach and now enjoy it far more than at first).  The PTSD I had in 2011, which I've referenced in at least 1 other blog was still fresh enough that I still felt mostly numb at the time, but God helped me write this sermon and He blessed it that day in church though I watched the recording later and cringed at how stiff I was up front.

I've begun giving away the printed copy that I preach from after church because someone usually asks me if they can have a copy.  Lately it's occurred to me to share them through this blog for whoever might see them.  To whoever is reading, I hope you are drawn closer to Jesus and inspired to re-engage in your spiritual life/relationship with Him.

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There’s a very famous boat we’ve all heard of; it had a lot going for it.  Titanic. 

It took three whole years and seven and a half million dollars to build the Titanic. 

On April 10, 1912 when passengers were boarding, it was SO brand new that the paint was still wet in certain spots.  Every stateroom had electric lighting and heat. 

It even had the first heated swimming pool on board a sailing vessel!  THAT is something I didn’t know at first.  J  They were already traveling by boat, so you’d think they’d be sick of water, but I guess not.  

We know the ending of Titanic as a tragedy.  What happened was terrible. 

It didn’t happen in broad daylight.  Or in a storm…  It was nighttime and the weather was calm, though it was incredibly cold.  But it was too calm… 

There was no wind to make waves that would have broken against the deadly icebergs and alerted the crew to the danger sooner. 

Although the captain had been warned about the presence of these icebergs, he still charged ahead at a high speed.  By the time his lookouts finally saw it, they were too late to make the necessary change. 

It’s ironic that if the conditions had actually been LESS calm, the crisis might have been avoided or at least lessened. 

If there had been wind making some waves, the iceberg would have been easier to spot. 

If they had been going at a slower speed – rather than trying to make even MORE headlines – they might have had more success turning the boat in time and probably wouldn’t have struck the iceberg with the destructive force that sunk them in the end. 

I am reading today’s text – Matthew 12:43-45 – from the New American Standard Version:

“Now when the unclean spirit goes out of a man, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and does not find it.  Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came;’ and when it comes, it finds it unoccupied, swept, and put in order.  Then it goes and takes along with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they all go in and live there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first state.  That is the way it will also be with this evil generation.” 

This passage is a little disconcerting.  And these days, it’s hard to see how texts like this are relevant to our modern lives anymore, but bear with me.    

Chapter 12:43: Now when the unclean spirit goes out of a man, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and does not find it.

In the book of Isaiah, the home of demons was the desert: the waterless places.  No moisture; very little quality of life as we would prefer it. 

From what I’ve studied, demons may have an existence in waterless places, but it’s not where they rest.  And on that note I’ll remind you that the human body is more than half made up of water.  And the rest that a demon seeks is to be embodied in a human being while he or she is still alive. 

What is restful to Satan and his agents is draining and withering to the children of God.  For us, it’s chaos. 

So this demon is restless and has no water.  It’s homeless and hungry. 

The passage continues in verse 44: Then [the demon] says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came;’ and when it comes, it finds it unoccupied, swept, and put in order.” 

When the rooms of our home or apartment are unoccupied, swept and put in order, we don’t call 911.  It’s. Peace. And. Quiet. 

Some of us might breathe a sigh of relief. 

The sterile surroundings are soothing.  We have so much busyness and clutter in our lives that having order is like having…an oasis. 

But verse 45 says: Then [the demon] goes and takes along with it 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 other spirits MORE wicked than itself…and they [all] go in and LIVE there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first [state].  That is the way it will also be with this evil generation.” 

What do you think is the real problem in this text?  Was it the demons?  Or was it the state of the man’s heart? 

Why?

The man’s heart is described here as being unoccupied, swept, and put in order. 

There’s nothing wrong with it being orderly and it’s probably cleaner for being swept. 

The problem is the emptiness. 

Someone might ask, “What’s so wrong with a place being unoccupied, swept, and put in order?”  Nothing really.  But how about when you’re a PERSON who is unoccupied, swept clean and put in order?  What kind of man or woman is that? 

Often it’s an empty man … an empty woman. 

In our family we have a little saying that’s framed.  It used to be my Grammie’s – which suited her personality perfectly – but since she passed away, it’s become ours; and it says, “Dull women have immaculate homes.” J 

But really, the appearance of perfection does usually imply that something is missing behind the scenes.  An empty person is not actively harmful, but not proactive either.  A person like this can be turned.  You see, there is a crucial decision between what is best and what is … acceptable. 

You might join the evil generation without meaning to. 

The Greek word for evil is ponéros and it means malicious & wicked…slothful, pain-ridden, emphasizing the inevitable agonies and misery that will always go with evil…the laborious trouble of evil.

To say that you might join the evil generation without meaning to IS a strong statement and you might say, “But doesn’t God see my good intentions?”  Yes.  He sees everything.  But there’s more to following God than having good intentions. 

For example, perfectionists have good intentions, but it can feel merciless to be around them; like walking on eggshells at best.  

I struggle with perfectionism and I am friends with others who do as well.

Perfectionists are driven by fear and they punish themselves when they fail. 

They have tendencies to be highly judgmental of the people around them. 

They’re very driven and unless they’ve really got the hang of their act, you’ll see them looking very troubled at times.  Many “tortured artists” are perfectionists.

1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”   

Perfectionists usually lack gracious love in their lives.   

Love is patient and kind.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  Love never fails.

But instead of love, they have emptiness.  And they suffer for it. 

 

Lukewarm Laodiceans have good intentions, but they’re aggravating to be with.  Even God says so in Revelation 3:15-17, when He says to their church:

“I know your deeds; that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth.  You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’  But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.” 

That’s a very serious thing to be said by our God, who is Love itself.

Lukewarm Laodiceans usually lack purposeful truth in their lives.

Truth is convicting and inspiring.  Truth doesn’t let you stay the same.    

But instead of truth, they have emptiness.  And they suffer for it. 

People today who wrestle with perfectionism or the people who are weighed down to an inactive plateau don’t behave the way that demon possessed people are described in Bible times.  And there’s a reason for that.  Satan has traded drama for subtlety.

In the Great Controversy, Ellen White wrote to us that, “…as we approach the close of time, when Satan is to work with greatest power to deceive and destroy, he spreads everywhere the belief that he does not exist.  It is his policy to conceal himself and his manner of working.  There is nothing that the great deceiver fears so much as that we shall become acquainted with his devices.”

He’s stepped up his game.  Rather than overt possession, he opts instead for subtle oppression.  And what does this oppression lead to?  What does it look like in our lives?

If the oppression of perfectionism continues unchecked, it kills the possibilities for personal growth, for real intimacy and safe community.  Why? 

Because growth is all about taking advantage of opportunities when there’s not a guarantee of success. 

Making mistakes – i.e., getting it WRONG – is a huge part of how we learn. 

Perfectionism only grabs hold of what it knows it can tackle.  It’s about controlling your life without God. 

Now, if you’ve hired a professional like a lawyer or a doctor who’s a perfectionist it’s not such a bad thing, in fact it can be great.  It means you’re in very skilled and successful hands. 

But it’s different in relationships.  And Christianity is the most deep and wide relationship you’ll ever have, which is why people living its abundant life are so hard to find. 

To quote G.K. Chesterton, “Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.” 

In relationships, trying to control things is poison and submission is your friend.  To the ears of perfectionism, submission is like the screech of chalk on a blackboard.  It’s impossible to contemplate.  Especially if you think or know that you have a better way. 

And if it’s hard just to submit and be vulnerable to another person you love or call your friend, how much harder do you think it is to give REAL self-exposure to a God you cannot see?  To take time out of your external schedule full of people for internal private worship, to express your heart in prayer and listen for God’s heart through Scripture and in silence… 

In Matthew 6:6, Jesus said, “…when you pray,” – implying that it’s something He expected we’d do regularly – “go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen.  Then your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.” 

It can be especially difficult to honestly open your heart if you have unhealed wounds from the past; even more so when the scars go deep.  People who are still trying to protect themselves and have everything “just so” have the biggest fights to let go and let God. 

And because God is interested in blessing ALL areas of your life, people who are owned by perfectionism lose a great deal, because they keep God at arm’s length. 

They not only lose what God could have done for them, but even worse, they lose what it is to know Him.  In John 17:3, Jesus said that to know God is eternal life…!  Perfectionists lose the experience of His blessed peace that overtakes and passes their best understanding.  

I’m sure some of you here have had the bittersweet experience of going through something painful or difficult, but it was made bearable because you weren’t alone – someone who loved you was with you. 

That comfort is hugely, infinitely multiplied when it’s GOD you turn to in your pain.        

Now to switch gears, if the continual oppression that holds you stuck is a lukewarm lifestyle, you never get to really live.  Lukewarm is an extremely deceptive place to be in, because there’s none of perfectionism’s stress.  The symptoms are not as telling. 

But neither is there purpose, energy, bursts of feeling, demonstrations of love, or acts of courage. 

Just like you can’t smell carbon monoxide as it’s slowly killing you, staying in a lukewarm life will assuredly erode the talents and blessings you’ve been given until they are gone. 

Fear is still present when you’re lukewarm, but instead of a taskmaster cracking a whip, it poses as ether: a substance that puts you under. 

You’re still alive, but you’re checked out. 

Living under fear, you can protect yourself from feeling pain, but you’re unable to defend yourself from actual damage AND you’re unable to contribute good to the world or to the people close to you who love you and need you: family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, children…spouse. 

You are useless to God when you’re lukewarm!  And you’re passively hurtful to those whom you say you love.  They miss you.  

Obviously I’m not married and haven’t yet been married, but I’ve been around many different marriages.  Someone I know was recently remarried about a month ago.  I had a ringside seat to the story of her first marriage as well as several privileged glimpses of others.  I’ve observed my parents’ marriage.  I know enough to know that even the best marriages are hard work, and that when you get to a good place, that goodness still takes intentional maintenance to sustain. 

We don’t stop having selfish sinful natures once we get married; if anything, marriage exposes your flaws like nothing else and confronts you even more intimately with the need we all have: to be transformed into the image of Christ.  Then we will love well.

To whoever is here struggling with perfectionism or lukewarmth, I offer this quote from John & Stasi Eldredge’s book Love & War:

“The [human] heart is God’s most magnificent creation, and the prize over which He fights the kingdom of darkness.  Now consider this – marriage is the sanctuary of the heart.  You have been entrusted with the heart of another human being. 

Whatever else your life’s great mission will entail, loving and defending this heart next to you is part of your great quest.

Marriage is the privilege and the honor of living as close to the heart as two people can get.  No one else in all the world has the opportunity to know each other more intimately than do a husband and wife. 

We are invited into their secret lives, their truest selves; we come to know their nuances, their particular tastes, what they think is funny, what drives them crazy. 

We are entrusted with their hopes and dreams, their wounds, and their fears. 

An incredible honor is bestowed on the one to whom we pledge our lives and a deep privilege is given to us as well.”

To all the married people here, I ask, how responsible are you being with this honor and privilege?  Are you actively being a good steward of your spouse’s heart? 

Or are you just doing enough to get by?  

It might be time for some of you to pray for some inspired creativity so that memories of being loved are not all your spouse has to go on.

Living lukewarm when you know better is the equivalent of burying your one talent in the ground instead of risking investment. 

And to refresh our memory on how well that goes, I’m going to read from Matthew 25:24-30: “Then the man who had received [and buried] the one talent came.  ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed.  So I was afraid [pause] and went out and hid your talent in the ground.  See, here is what belongs to you.’”

Before I continue, this man had made assumptions about God.  We don’t have the capacity to grasp how big and complex God’s blueprint is for taking care of us. 

We’ll think He’s gathering where He never scattered because we can’t see His view on taking care of things and we won’t choose faith and trust. 

And when we try to humanize God based on our misunderstanding, we never get it right. 

And so of course we’ll fall back into choosing fear. 

The verse continues: “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant!  So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed?  Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.  Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents.  For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance.  Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.  And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’” 

From the looks of this, living lukewarm lands you in the worst possible place. 

So where is the best place to be?

How about being in love? 

I don’t just mean romance, though God is a Lover and Bridegroom as much as He is a King and Father.  And really, romance is not defined by star-crossed lovers with uncanny physical chemistry who look forever young.  That’s the cliché and it’s warped. 

What makes romance crucial to your relationship with God and with each other is that it’s the experience of pursuit: you being pursued, and you yourself taking initiative into the heart of God and other human beings. 

This core of pursuit is what protects families from going stagnant and what keeps friendships alive; pursuit is not just for romance. 

When I’m talking about being in love, I’m talking about is Agape: the Love that gives and serves simply because it can.  Proverbs 3:27 says, “Do not withhold good…when it is in your power to act."  So when I suggest, “How about being in love,” I mean how about being in an environment of love that doesn’t disappear or hurt you when you fail? 

How about being loved deeply by the God of the Universe even though you’re just one flawed human being in an over-populated planet? 

And I mean being loved in the way that takes care of you when you’re a mess – the kind of love you can still feel when you’re in pain.  The kind of love that handles you gently when you’re embarrassed or ashamed… 

God loves us like this and we should be actively seeking to love each other this way as well.  Even if you haven’t experienced God that personally yet, there are centuries of written record of people who discovered Him.  He’s there to be found. 

He’s here.  Where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there – He is here. 

I’m sure there are people in this room who have experienced breakups, betrayals, violations, maybe a divorce and quite possibly the death of a loved one. 

I am sorry that we live in a world where I can be sure that those things have happened.  And I’m sorry I myself know so well that when that kind of pain hits you, it’s as if it steals your breath away.

Oh it’s nice that you’ve got friends and family, but you really can’t feel any of that when the pain is overwhelming.  But God’s love is the only kind of love that can be deeply felt in such ugly times, if you’re willing. 

Michelle McKinney Hammond writes that such heartbreaking events “cut to the core of our being and expose the one constant in our lives – the love of God.”   

If there was one good thing in your life that you knew would never change, would you waste time analyzing it, being critical about it?  Would you not care about it?  Not even react to it at all?  I doubt that. 

You would hold onto it and never let it go!  But only holding onto God’s love doesn’t quite do it justice.  God’s love can do more than just save your life. 

God’s love doesn’t stop at the intensive care unit after rescuing and stabilizing you.  God’s love brings you BACK to life. 

We KNOW God can raise the dead so He can certainly breathe life back into your soul.  God’s love sustains you through future difficulties.  It’s as if God says, “All is NOT fair in love and war, but with Me you can freely have the love.”   

We have the song, “Come Into My Heart Lord Jesus,” but it’s not enough.  We are not fit containers for the Shekinah glory of God’s amazing love on our own. 

There’s no way we’re enough. 

God knows this better than we do, which is why Jesus put it perfectly in John 15:4: “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me,” and later in verse 9 He says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. 

Now remain in my love.”  

To paraphrase this verse, it’s like Jesus is saying: “Stay with me and I’ll stay with you.  You can’t have love if you’ve got no one, and My love has to come first in your life or the other loves won’t work the way they’re meant to.” 

We love it when someone we care about invites us to stay with them.  “Stay a little longer.  Don’t go.”  Jesus says this too.  He says it to us. 

And remember that Jesus came to show us God the Father.  It’s not just about staying in God’s personal embrace.  It’s also about submitting to His power to protect your life. 

It’s about reflecting His example.    

God’s love is a haven amidst and above the fray.  It’s a safe house. 

He calls us to abide in His identity, which is Love.  He calls us to be haven-dwellers. 

His love covering our lives and flowing through them is what will keep us safe until He comes back.  In their book Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge shared this wonderful thought: “Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus.” 

There’s a beautiful verse: Psalm 107:28-30: “Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distress.  He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.  They were glad when it grew calm, and He guided them to their desired haven.” 

So how do we get there?  How do we receive the abundant life He told us about?  How do we enter and remain in the safe haven of God’s love? 

It always starts with repentance. 

Ironically, the two kinds of emptiness we’ve learned about today are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  The perfectionist repents through releasing action and softening his or her heart.  The Laodicean repents by taking action and holding onto God tightly to reconstruct his or her life.  They both reject separation from God and seek His presence.

In other words, if you’re a perfectionist and you know your controlling behavior is at the least bruising if not damaging your relationship with God and others; you repent by exchanging the world’s unforgiving perfectionism for God’s. 

Did you know that God has a special definition of perfection? 

In Matthew 5:48, Jesus said: “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  Now, the ordinary English definition of perfect means, “conforming absolutely to an ideal type; accurate, exact, correct in every detail; entirely without any flaws or defects; excellent beyond any improvement.” 

So basically…the world’s perfection and sanctification don’t mix. 

The world’s perfection says there’s a plateau you can achieve where you’re untouchable.  But as Christians we know our sinful nature doesn’t go away over time, though we can mature and grow stronger at crucifying it every day. 

And we know that because God is infinite, there’s always more with Him.  A life with God doesn’t plateau; it only grows.  

How God’s Word defines perfect is through the Greek word “teleios,” which means “complete in all its parts, full grown, of full age, especially of the completeness of Christian character.” 

How do you know you are living a life of completeness in Christ? 

Jesus always taught that you’d identify a plant by its fruit.  

Does the Bible teach about the fruit of Christians? 

Or is it the Fruit of the Spirit?    

Love                                                                Goodness

Joy                                                                  Faithfulness

Peace                                                               Gentleness

Patience                                                           Self-control

Kindness

This list will keep us busy for the rest of our lives. 

Just because our friends and loved ones are safe and forgiving about our rough edges doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get the best from us. 

If you have people in your life who do you no harm, resist taking them for granted with insensitivity and curtness, even if their differences annoy you. 

Actively love on them instead. 

Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect. 

If you’re a Laodicean in lukewarm waters and you’re convicted that your life is being damaged because you’ve numbed your feelings, then repentance is taking responsibility for your poor choices. 

It can feel like being afraid of heights and getting into the world’s biggest roller coaster.  I did that once in England, when I was a student missionary.  And I already knew I hated roller coasters. 

But I have the memory of having survived the experience. 

It’s worth humbling yourself and taking responsibility for how little you’ve loved, because you’re never the same after having confronted a fear.  

And if your conscience feels rusty, praying for the Holy Spirit to bring truth to your inmost being is a very potent prayer.  

Often, recovery from this condition is very uncomfortable, so COUNT on being irritated along the way and DON’T LET YOURSELF be thrown off when things get awkward or downright difficult.  Stay the course and stand firm. 

James 1:2-4 says to “consider it pure joy, my [brethren], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” 

Not lacking anything is definitely the opposite of emptiness. 

And being mature and complete sounds like the perfection of God. 

So don’t give up once you start!  

Love always perseveres. 

God always perseveres for you, so why not persevere for Him? 

And if you have people in your life who still value you even a little, why not try to bless them for still being there for you? 

Whatever you have to offer in the beginning, God will blow on that spark and turn it into a fire if you ask Him to and not give up. 

In her book The Sacred Echo, Margaret Feinberg put it beautifully: “Surrendering to God exposes a paradoxical truth: No matter what we give up, we are given so much more.”

In the same passage where God said He was going to spit out the Laodiceans for being lukewarm, He actually perseveres past that, and offers encouragement later in Revelation 3:19-20: “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.  So be earnest, and repent.  Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.”   

There’s a door to our heart, which Jesus respects. 

And there’s also a door to God’s heart, which He invites us to. 

In John chapter 10, Jesus said, “I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. … I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” 

The abundant life flows from God’s two greatest commandments. 

We hear a lot about the Great Commission.  It has almost drowned out the two Greatest Commandments, which has put us at risk for forgetting to love each other well and with commitment, not to mention loving our enemies. 

When you’re commissioned to do something, there’s payment.  But if you’re commanded to do something, there should be no question.  The beauty of God’s two Greatest Commandments is that the Great Commission is a natural by-product. 

You can’t have GOD’s love in your life and hold it in. 

When you love someone, you can’t help telling others about your good news and encouraging them about what’s possible in their own lives…!  

It’s like that when you love God, but the church still has a ways to go before we are as excited about Jesus as we are about human attraction.    

So remember: The abundant life flows from God’s two greatest commandments. 

When you end up with God and committed to Him, the world will know you belong to Him by the love you show.  And remember that love is a choice.  The opposite of love isn’t hatred or flagrant sin as harmful as those are.  It’s apathy. 

Jesus was not apathetic on the cross. 

The Easter story is about the passion of Christ; passion unto death for love’s sake. 

The cross was a choice Jesus made with ALL His heart and yes it DID BREAK His heart.  The cross was not a picture of being empty, swept clean, and put in order. 

Jesus’ act of love on the cross was a broken, bleeding, messy and misunderstood act for God’s sake and for ours.  On the cross, Jesus showed that God is trustworthy.

Are we trustworthy like that? 

We sometimes entertain a worldly misconception about the life of Christianity.  It is not picture perfect.  It’s God’s kind of perfect.  The lives of the faithful are messy because God is busy in them and through them, operating like a surgeon to cut out the cancer of sin and to set broken bones in our souls so that we can know what it is to RUN free. 

Healing from what sin has done to us is painful hard work, but with God, there’s ultimately no reason to live empty and oppressed by fear.  There’s no reason to not pursue the abundant life as your life.           

Today I began with the story of Titanic.  I’m going to close with a story about a different boat.  This story wasn’t a tragedy.  Instead, it was a triumphant miracle.    

The boat wasn’t anything special, but it had Jesus in it. 

This story is found in Matthew 8:23-26: “Then [Jesus] got into the boat and his disciples followed him.  Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat.  But Jesus was sleeping.  The disciples went and woke him, saying, ‘Lord save us!  We’re going to drown!’  He replied, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’  Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.”   

Live for the sake of knowing God better each new day. 

Spend time alone with Him. 

Pursue the awkward but worthwhile journey of intimacy…with God and your loved ones.

Remember God’s promises. 

Don’t forget how He’s led you in the past. 

Claim the sanctuary of hope, which we have in God’s love. 

Nothing can separate us from the love of God, for God so loved the world that He gave us Jesus, so that whoever believes in Him won’t be a lost cause but will have eternal life. 

Pray for God to kindle desire in you to be a deep-hearted believer, to be more loving, to be like Jesus.  Pray for His help with your unbelief. 

There is no prayer you can’t pray to Jesus.

The abundant life flows from God’s two greatest commandments. 

Love Him with everything you have and love others with everything He’s given to you. 

Abraham Lincoln once said, “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”  

It’s the same with the abundant life. 

The Story of Our Engagement

Disclaimer: This isn’t the short version.

Those who know me know that I am rarely woman of few words, especially when telling stories that are precious to me.  This blog might seem to meander, but I assure you it’s all thoughtfully put together.

*

Russell and I had marriage in mind from the very beginning of our dating relationship.  The Sunday night – of March 2, 2014 – that he came over and dissolved our platonic friendship into a new frontier, he was up front that he didn’t want to date pointlessly (neither did I!) and that he wouldn’t have broached this topic if he hadn’t seen long term potential between the two of us.

A few months into our dating relationship, although I didn’t know when Russell would propose, we both knew we didn’t want to wait long to be married and we weren’t excited about a long engagement. 

Months before Russell actually proposed, we had a date in mind for the wedding (ha, that’s how sure we were about each other – a luxurious feeling): March 1, 2015 (a Sunday).  That way, the first morning of our honeymoon would be the exact 12-month marker.  We loved the idea.

It was based on this idea that Russell chose September 1, 2014 to propose to me.  We’ve since had to change the wedding date, but neither of us knew that the night we got engaged.  Russell planned it so that his proposal would be exactly six months from our wedding day and the day before our six-month dating anniversary. 

Although our current, booked-with-PMC-wedding-date is FEBRUARY 22, 2015, I’ll always remember Russell’s thoughtfulness in how he planned the date of the proposal.

The whole time I’ve known Russell, I’ve known a man with both an amazing attention to detail and a deep reservoir of gentleness.  And it’s only gotten better with time.  Thanks to him, I’ve been blessed to know the privilege of what it’s like when the one you’re in love with becomes a student of knowing your intricacies, determined to grow in loving you and committed to defending your autonomy. 

I didn’t think a man like Russell could exist.  It’s actually strengthened my faith-in and helped heal my relationship-with God to meet, befriend, fall in love with and be loved by Russell Murnighan.  I’ve told him and now I’m telling you that his heart is made of the stuff of my wildest dreams.  I’m positive that is not a statement of “idealistic distortion” (hello, Prepare & Enrich!).  I fell for enough guys earlier on and observed even more since I was 12 years old to know what I wanted and to get a pretty decent grasp of what’s out there.  Russell is the closest summation of the list I’d never have shown anyone because they’d have said I wanted too much.  I almost thought I did too…!  He checks off an unbelievable number of my secret desires as well as fulfilling needs in my life I hadn’t even articulated yet.  But I realized they were needs as his involvement in my life gave me increasing relief and safety about some burdens I never contemplated I’d be capable of putting down.

Don’t worry, I know he’s not perfect.

No, we’re not “puppy love.”

Yes, we’ve had fights & disagreements…from early on!  And we average – in his words – about 1 significant fight per month or so at this point. 

But I’m sure that our fights don’t look like typical fights.  They are still marked by misunderstandings and alienating conflict and triggers that make walls go back up and mistakes and words we wish we could have taken back…

…but because these fights have happened and will happen between two people who love each other and genuinely want to understand each other and want to get better at being each other’s safe person, the conflicts are fewer and farther between than at first, and each new one becomes quieter and more articulate.  We have become more comfortable with conflict.  We know it’s not the enemy, but an opportunity.  Sometimes that makes the discomfort more acute early on, but it’s the equivalent of cannon-balling into cold water and getting used to its frigidity as soon as possible, rather than flirting with its temperature by wading in, then back out, then in, then back out and then who-knows-what-next.

Conflict is simply symptomatic of us both being human beings with sinful natures, wanting perfection but prone to imperfection. 

Conflict is normal in the human experience.  You will do your stress level a cooling favor if you accept conflict is not going to go away and guard your heart from being leveled every time you encounter an obstacle.

Describing Russell in the glowing tones I did earlier is not disqualified by imperfections and difficulties in our relationship, nor should it be accounted for by our love being in its early stages.  The more I get to know Russell, the more I’ve come to love and enjoy him while knowing everything about him.  I’m incredulous that the more he’s gotten to know me, he’s not gotten tired of me or used to me.  He loves and enjoys me more, even, than at first.  We take turns feeling awed that such a special relationship was spun for us in God’s mind and gifted to us in actuality.

One of the reasons, I’m sure, why being with Russell has sweetened over time is that God has used him to warm cold parts of me and ease certain pains that I’ve privately borne for years.  Pains I sometimes forgot I was carrying.  Russell’s love has aided and abetted me in reconnecting with Jesus, my First Love. 

A merciless season of loss in 2011 left me with C-PTSD and an extremely battered relationship with God.  The emotional trauma, chest pain and debilitating grief were disorienting to me in a way I will never forget.  It was a painful corner turned of irrevocable loss and a completely obliterated understanding of what I had control over.  My suffering genuinely frightened me because it literally made me feel like I wasn’t myself anymore; that I’d become someone I didn’t recognize.  It changed everything.  Books couldn’t help me fix myself, playlists of songs were bandaids covering the bullet wound, and for a while I stopped prayer journaling for a reason I couldn’t explain back then.  It felt too hard to approach God.  Too painful, overwhelming and maybe even dangerous (?) to unearth how I felt on pages. 

I quit school for a year to get my bearings before returning to finish my degree.  When I wasn’t working as a caregiver for Private Duty Home Healthcare (I didn’t know ahead of time but read later that helping others is recommended therapy for loss!), I was discovering that before suffering can deepen you, it reveals (*cough* Refiner’s Fire) how shallow you naturally are underneath the religious convictions you thought you had. 

I’m more thankful for my caregiving job than ever, because it made sure part of me, part of the time was being unselfish because out of my grief emerged subtle agreements stemming from “being kind to myself,” which became license to be as negative and self-focused as I had it in me to be.  At first, not being in school and not being accountable felt like freedom.  But then it gradually became like being stuck at a carnival, visiting the same amusements on a cycle of forced repeat.    

I didn’t feel free anymore, and what made me long to actually (!) have back the initially overwhelming grief was feeling that I’d gone dead inside; that moments of transparency were becoming brief and terribly rare, that I could only give heartfelt communication when being negative or anxious, that I got excited for the latest episodes of darkly callous TV shows (the way I once got excited about going to evening worship services and church on Sabbath mornings) as if they had life to pump into me. 

I let myself go in almost every way. 

Because of how I felt (where was my so-called faith?), I didn’t try to fight against what I knew was unhealthy in my life.  But I did try to have my cake and eat it too.  I didn’t cut God out, but I didn’t make Him first at all; I feebly tried to keep Him around with everything else I was doing. 

In His great faithfulness and endless grace, He worked defiantly salvaging creativity into the mistakes I made that year (which are the ones I regret the most), in a way that stopped my old blind life in its tracks (how He did that for me is a story for another blog).  All the changes in me that people have commented on these last few months didn’t happen all at once.  But last October 13, 2013, I finally chose to start trusting God despite my feelings, despite the initial cost and I let Him plant real submission in my heart.  The morning after I made that decision was the 2-year anniversary of when my beloved Dean Esperanza Muniz was killed in a car accident.  That has always been a dark day for me.  But in 2013, while it did involve tears, I was also revisited by genuine, quiet peace for the first time in nearly 4 years.

It was the best decision I ever made.  Although it involved breaking up with the only boyfriend I’d yet had (after a string of several messy emotional entanglements, from which I learned volumes), that decision was about so much more than an ex-boyfriend.  It was the beginning of really seeing my own sin, my own responsibility in my pain – all of it undeniable – and then working hard to change my life.  Time has given me perspective on that previous relationship and I can be grateful for it now as an experience of “the weeds growing up with the wheat and being separated at harvest time” to spiritualize it.  I don’t harbor any hard feelings or grudges toward the person I broke up with.  I am deeply thankful and liberated for what I learned, even though the experience was expensive.

The breakup reopened the old grief that had never healed right.  Fall semester 2013 was vividly painful yet bearable in that a small part of me was exhilarated to have peace, despite the storm the rest of my heart was experiencing as my regrets began to seriously hound me, irrespective of all the homework and studying I had to do.

The breakup wasn’t even a week old when Russell and I had our first memorable conversation.

(I’ll bet you were wondering when I’d get back to him & the proposal story!)

Our first real conversation – October 19, 2013 - happened in the same room where we first met (April 2013), months before the previous boyfriend & I’d begun dating.  And before even that, the first time Russell ever saw me was in January 2013 when I sang backup for Alison Brook Segura at a basement concert. 

When my future husband first saw me, I had no idea he was in the room and I didn’t feel worth pursuing by anyone. 

I was overweight with an awkward haircut and there were a few other people in the room I felt uncomfortable having to interact with.  I loved singing with Alison (you should buy her new album “The Heart of the Matter” on iTunes!), but it felt like a victory when I’d got home, having survived the challenges of that social scene.

When I first briefly interacted with my future husband, it was because he spoke to me.  I had taken one look at him and written him off as a soon-to-be-a-seminarian religion department nerd who might be girl crazy.  I had turned my back actually hoping he wouldn’t talk to me.  But while I never could figure out the day in April we met, I never forgot the event because the kindness of Russell’s first words to me took me by surprise: “Do you have an album too?” 

The night I sang backup, everyone on stage had an album, so Russell thought I might have had one too, bless him.  It took me awhile to figure out where he was coming from; once I did, I felt touched he’d remembered me 3-3.5 months later and had apparently enjoyed my singing (it turns out he thought I might logically have an album as well since everyone from the basement concert had one).  It wasn’t the beginning of a crush; just a brief & sweet moment that left me feeling appreciated when I hadn’t expected it. 

After a year of being a workaholic in the realm of healthcare that involved catheters, colostomy bags, stomach tubes, changing adult briefs (often getting gas in the face), wiping bottoms, phlegm, administering pills, Alzheimer’s, strong-attitudes-I-had-to-adapt-to, complex-routines-I-had-to-learn, cooking & cleaning and after all those dark TV shows I’d been hooked on where nobody says anything nice or simple or honest to one another, Russell’s first words to me were the nicest thing I’d heard in a long time; rain on dry ground. 

And then I went on my way and didn’t think about it too much. 

(P.S. Don’t get the idea that I hate my job; I actually love it!  It just has its moments…)

And then came October 19, 2013: our first true conversation. 

David Asscherick had come to Andrews University to do a series called “This Is My Church” and it was a strong dose of pure gospel.  

It was just what I needed after a painful decision of faith. 

It was so reassuring.   Healing.  Strengthening.

But the Saturday night before he got going, he gave a talk for the religion department (and then some) on marriage, relationships & holiness as part of a second wedding reception for a former classmate who’d gotten married in Italy – we were meeting his new bride for the first time. 

I look back and I love the irony.  How God must have been smiling that after all the wrong guys and at the one time I was finally so worn out that I wasn’t looking for a guy at all, At An Evening Talk On Marriage And Relationships, I’d begin a friendship with my future husband.  A fresh interest was the last thing on my mind (and Russell wasn’t interested in me either). 

I was too sore to think about someone new. 

Being sore is actually what started our friendship.  At that same reception was an older, motherly friend of the previous boyfriend who hadn’t seen me since before the breakup.  She was sweet and meant well but the conversation stirred my tears, and I did not want to have to pull myself together for the second time that night (David Asscherick’s wonderful wife Violeta had kindly listened to me earlier and prayed with me; I’d been blubbing then already).  So I politely excused myself, spied an empty chair a ways away and plunked myself across from Russell (since he looked like someone I assessed that I didn’t know well) and pretty bluntly said, “Hey you, talk to me, tell me about yourself, distract me.” 

And he did…!

Later that night a bunch of us went out to eat and Russell rode in my car; just the two of us.  We talked more.  I can remember what I wore that night; the dark teal t-shirt, cozy duster, loose light blue jeans, pink knitted hat and glasses.  I don’t regularly wear hats, but when I don’t want to do my hair because I’m tired or sad, I wear hats.  It makes life simpler.

I just wasn’t at my feminine best, nor was I in great shape at all.  It was just a Saturday night I was surviving…with my future husband.

How God must have been smiling,   

*

Russell proposed to me in that exact spot; in those same two chairs: in the room where we first met, where our friendship began.  In the same place where I’d once been barely holding in my sadness and pain, Russell later gave me cause to barely be able to hold in my surprise and joy as he shared the words with me he’d been planning, and then knelt down to ask me to be his wife.

*

For me, the day I got engaged began with a baby migraine at 2:00a while I was on a night shift.  The previous week, I’d returned from visiting my parents in California and was jet-lagged when I plunged right into a new schedule of 4 night shifts per week plus a weekend a few hours away with friends.  We’d come back from the weekend and I was off to a night shift.  All the disruption in my sleep (jet lag + travel + night shifts + normal sleep + night shifts again) was doubtless the reason for the migraine.  Luckily it didn’t fully bloom and I nuked it when I got home with ibuprofen, St. John’s Wort and a nap. 

Somehow I hadn’t registered that it was a holiday (Labor Day, hello) and so it surprised me that Russell came over “before his lunch hour.”  But I never complain at getting to see more of him because of our work schedules, etc.  He went with me to take an elderly friend to lunch, then we watched a movie together, talked about it afterward and were beginning to make plans for dinner…or so I thought.  I mean, we went grocery shopping but then Russell started exhibiting a mix between squirrely, spontaneous and sentimental.  I thought he was acting funny but wasn’t suspicious just yet.  Even when I got “suspicious” later at home, Russell had gotten me so convinced that the proposal wouldn’t be for awhile yet that I was telling myself, “No… it can’t be THAT…can it?!  No…”

Russell had Rahel Schafer (professor at AU religion department) text me to ask if I could come to her office in an hour and that it was important.  Unfortunately for Russell, I hadn’t seen the text when it was sent.  Of all the times I’d left the house and forgotten my phone (very rare occurrence), it had happened when we went grocery shopping.  So by the time I read the text, there wasn’t much time left…! 

Russell had redirected our supper from cooking at home (which had apparently been my misunderstanding) to supposedly eating out, because “It’s been such a nice day with you,” which I liked the sound of but I could not shake that he was behaving SO differently!  He says now with a smile that he’s so glad his proposal plan was the last secret he’d have to keep from me.  Normally we enjoy the luxury of being transparent with each other.  I guess that’s why, when either one of us is hiding something, there are tells all over the place and we just KNOW something is up.  J

Russell then said he’d run a fast errand to a friend’s house and then meet me at the religion department.  I arrived there and all the lights in the department were off as I approached that section of Buller Hall.  I saw the silhouette of a man who looked an awful lot like Russell doing things in the religion department.  Outside Rahel’s office window, I could see that there were no lights on. 

At this point I was more and more sure that this was…what I thought it was.  (Yet how can a girl assume she knows she’s about to get proposed to??)  I texted Rahel and got no response (she was texting Russell and wondering what she should say to me in reply, haha).  So then I stayed outside to give Russell more time to prepare (if my suspicions were correct) and called him, letting him know Rahel wasn’t answering & that her office light was off.  The poor guy (so stressed!), he suggested that I call her vs. text. 

So I did. 

Still nothing.

So I called him again & relayed my lack of success.  At this point he was genuinely sounding hurried and basically said, “I think you should just go inside.”

That was all I needed & I was up & into the religion department to let the chips fall where they might.

Russell met me at the door in a fresh change of clothes, playing a song that had become a favorite since the beginning of our relationships – “We Shall Always Be With the Lord” by Ellie Holcomb.  It’s actually a Scripture song about death & heaven, but its music sounds like a mix between a lullaby and fairy tale.  It has always communicated comfort and hope and sweetness to me.  I loved how it sounded before I knew the words & first heard it the day before Russell asked me to be his girlfriend.  I’d been listening to it on repeat right up until he came over to my house to have “the conversation” (I thought he’d just come to pick up a book he’d loaned me).  And when you recall that the last few years of my life had had so much loss – actual death & emotional death & spiritual death, broken relationships, loss of hope, etc. – then you can probably understand why I LOVE(D) that song so much.  It was the perfect song he could have chosen for that moment, in my opinion.  It was a song he’d introduced me to, a song that had been present for the beginning of our romantic relationship, a song of hope and of a promise that would be fulfilled, a song of being drawn together…  It was perfect for the night when my old life changed and I was significantly pulled once more into a newer and better life.

I had told Russell I wanted him to propose in private and that I wanted “lots of words.” J  Words of affirmation is my 2^nd love language; the 1^st is physical touch.  The song finished before he’d gotten halfway into his proposal and I actually put him on pause to turn it back on…!  What are moments like these without background music, you know?  J

During the proposal, he sat in the chair across from me like the night of our first conversation and held my hands.  When he actually knelt down in front of me it was so much to absorb (in the best kind of nervously joyful way) that hid my face in my hands.  He took my hands away, held them, looked up into my eyes (with an eye contact that had never wavered since he began) and said, “Will you marry me?”

I nodded first and said yes, quietly because my heart was so full I couldn’t yet start squealing or talking fast like I’m known to when I’m excited. 

The room had been entirely dark and around my chair, Russell had draped a string of lights and on the table next to my chair was a beautiful purple orchid he’d bought for me that morning (orchids are my favorite flower), and my engagement watch inside the book he’d “come to pick up” when he first asked me to be his girlfriend back in March (a commentary on the book of Romans), inside the chapter dealing with Romans 6 where my favorite Bible verse is located (6:14).

We’d been kissing for awhile when Dr. Munoz and his wife came in and the lights came on.  He said, “Guys, what are you doing here in the dark?” and Russell said, “Well, it’s because I was just proposing to Chloe!” and the most hilarious & kinda complex look of shock swept Dr. Munoz’ face and he said, “Well brother did you finish??!”  Oh such laughter and joy that night J J J  The pictures of the two of us from that night are courtesy of Dr. Munoz happening to walk in on our special moment J

We changed our Facebook statuses, posted pictures and went out to IHOP for supper in Benton Harbor.  We’d gone there for free pancakes the night we made our dating relationship Facebook official back in March, but this time I had onion rings & salad, though he still ate breakfast food.  It was such a wonderful night.

I love Russell so much.  And remembering this story and its context rejuvenates my gratitude to God for His faithfulness, grace, redemption and defiant creativity.

Now that it’s February I get to say, “I’m getting married this month!”

I mentioned earlier on how our original desire for a wedding date was March 1^st, but now I’m incredibly glad it’s February 22^nd.  First of all, we get to wait one week less J and second, February 22 was the Sabbath in 2014 when I gave my full testimony for the first time.  And on that day, the friend zone got broken!  Russell had not been interested in me or attracted to me though we’d become friends.  He’ll also tell you I did a good job of not letting him know I was attracted to him (I was trying to be more emotionally prudent for a change).  While I was giving my testimony (which is not pretty about me though it’s beautiful about God), it began to dawn on him that someone was already in his life.  Later that night we had supper together – at his initiation – and his roommate Bill was elsewhere (usually it was the three of us).  When he arrived, he saw me cooking through a window and (I love this part so much!) in his own words, “I thought, ‘Oh!  She’s beautiful!  I wasn’t expecting this,’ and I had to pray for composure before going in.” 

(I didn’t know any of that last bit that night when he came over; everything felt the same to me.)

God is so good.  Seriously.  I really hope that in reading this story you get a strong sense of that and maybe get some encouragement yourself.  I’ve gotten so burned out on only doing what I felt like and excluding faith when I didn’t like what it’d mean.  But God’s grace rescued me and gave me beauty for ashes.  His heart is good.  He wants a relationship with you and He wants to bless you.  But we can never be open to God’s blessings (let alone fully appreciate them) until we’re submitted to Him on faith first.  If you can FEEL surrendered AND do surrender, I’m so happy for you!  But if you can only do surrender and are upset or worried that the feeling of surrender isn’t there, that’s no reason to be discouraged or doubtful.

Spiritual growth and real love grow slowly like plants.  You have to be patient.  You really have to be.  Patience is a mental choice, not a feeling, which creates ripple effects in your external choices if you’re committed.  When you get to see the bloom or taste the fruit, though, it is so worth it.  SO worth it – like all that time you spent waiting just fades into nothing. 

Take heart.

Great is His faithfulness.

Esperanza...Elpis...Hope...Altruism...Agape...Love

On this day, 3 years ago, a car accident forced a loss on many people by taking away one of the most beautiful souls that ever lived.  Her name was Esperanza which is the Spanish word for hope.  I only ever knew her as Dean Muniz.

The day she was killed was, I'm fairly certain, the worst and most unthinkable day of my life.  It was traumatic and planted grief very deeply in me.  But I have already spent time in mourning beyond my heart's content.  I let the pain mingle with every wound it seemed I'd ever had and it took on a life of its own.  For a long time I felt dead inside and it was worse than the freshly violent grief.  I don't want to focus on pain and sadness today, though I will Certainly Always, ALWAYS miss Dean Muniz and cannot wait to see her again in heaven.  I want to remember Esperanza in a way that uplifts, inspires and comforts whoever reads this status.

Before I graduated, when I took Philosophy of Service, I wrote my topic paper about Lamson Hall and Dean Muniz.  I was granted quotes from June Price (who was once a fellow dean at Lamson and is now the University Chaplain) and Dr. Clifford Jones, who I knew as the man who spoke at her funeral.  The following is a compilation of excerpts from my paper.

*

I knew Esperanza Alvarez-Muñiz as simply, “Dean Muñiz.”  I met her in the spring of 2009 as her cancer was finally going into remission.  During our first conversation, she wore a hat because her hair hadn’t yet grown back in due to the chemotherapy necessary to save her life.  I was struck by the beauty of her calm presence.  She lived out altruism and gently poured it into my heart in that first conversation, which is still one of the most vivid I ever had with her.  To review definitions, altruism is the unselfish interest in the welfare of others, according to – again – the Philosophy of Service Handout on “The Language of Service.”  Altruism takes service to a deeper level.  Simply listening for free and giving back loving advice for free, as service, does a great deal.  But what touches a person’s life forever is altruism, which actually engages the other person’s heart in a genuinely invested way. Altruism goes beyond peaceful acceptance.  Altruism begins a relationship.

In Christianity today, regardless of denomination, our statistics of debt and divorce are – so I’ve heard – the same inside the church as outside in the secular world.  There are atheists whose love and charity put Christians to shame and sadly news cycles don’t seem to be at a loss for stories about religious leaders who don’t represent God at all.  These days, for the most part as far as the secular world is concerned, Christians are not known for their love.  Altruism is another word for agapé, which is God’s brand of love.  According to the Strong’s Concordance, agapé means love, benevolence, and goodwill.  At Dean Muñiz’ funeral, Dr. Clifford Jones gave the eulogy and said near the end, “Esperanza was love.”  That sounds like possibly high praise, but to those of us who knew her it was utterly apt.  We’d never known anyone like her, yet we didn’t worship her above Jesus.  She showed us Jesus in her person.  Also, it’s not impossible for a human being to make choices to refine oneself into a transformed human being.  Like practice can make a beginning “Suzuki twinkler” into a virtuoso over time like Itzhak Perlman, humans can learn to be altruistic in an Olympic sense and maintain such a personality and lifestyle.

1 Corinthians 13’s passage on the definition of love is a series of choices – not feelings – that actually go against the initial grain of one’s feelings in the moment; therefore love is something that can be learned and practiced.  Making choices against the grain of one’s feelings is what makes true love so stunning to receive; that is what makes it a service.  Love is altruism.  Altruism is practicing love for other people.  Loving one another well is a labor that creates loveliness in our lives, which we desperately need in the twenty-first century wherein secularism and self-focus is at a shameless height.    

I collected comments from two individuals who knew Dean Muñiz via email and interview: from June Price who was a fellow dean of Dean Muñiz’ at Lamson Hall and still works there; also from Dr. Clifford Jones, the associate dean of the Andrews University Seminary.  In her email, Dean Price shared, “I first met Dean Muñiz when she worked as a student dean for us.  I first saw her humility and kindness.  As I grew to know her deeper, I saw a gentle, compassionate, funny woman of God.  Espi’s life was a great lesson in joy, perseverance and surrender.  In the good and on the bad she would always run to God, not away from Him.  She would take her very real hurt, pain, disappointment and despair to Him, knowing there was no one better to take it to and be totally honest with.  She was a warm and loving human being full of joy and perseverance. I believe she left a legacy of integrity, inspiration and encouragement.”

One might argue that I am straying too far from service and delving more into too much spirituality, but I am convinced that true service – which doesn’t fade and impacts permanently – is born out of a relationship with God.  In my first religion class at Andrews University before I ever became a religion major, Professor Susan Zork taught us a crucial principle I’ve never forgotten: “If I don’t have five dollars in my pocket, I don’t have five dollars to give you.  You can’t give what you don’t have.”  We can’t give service if we’ve never experienced the phenomenon of it.

Service is grace.  And we certainly cannot give altruism if we’ve never had a connection with God of some kind.  There are atheists who represent God better than Christians and Christians who won’t be in heaven, because of their state of heart and how willing they were to be pressed like grapes into sweet juice for others.  Romans 2:13-15 refers to individuals who have not heard the law, yet “who are righteous in God’s sight” because they “show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts…” This makes me think of loving atheists as opposed to Christians who turn the gospel into another system of behavior, devoid of authentic connection.  I am not saying it is unnecessary to be a Christian in order to give what the world needs.  I am exhorting the more potent combination of having a compassionate heart coupled with a relationship with the God who created us and best understands what paths we are to take and how, with the hearts of others.  And in our cluttered, rushed, power-grubbing century, we need this more than ever.  

“Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering” (Page 143, Captivating).  “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love” (Mother Teresa).  There is a pang of truth to these poetic quotes, but the praxis of them seems veiled.  A simpler metaphor is in building muscle.  You have to exercise in a way that challenges and discomforts you in order to ultimately become strong, otherwise there’s no value in the exertion.

Christian culture writes feelings off too much and secular culture worships them; both are problematic.  But what will cultivate service and altruism is to begin laboriously embracing the dialectic of valuing both feelings and principles like a parent embracing two children who are in conflict with each other for the purpose of reconciliation.  Our culture both in and outside the church talks a great deal about the value of our choices and debates are often themed on our right to choose.  It’s why we have sin (separation from God) in this world: God created human beings with the capacity to reject Him.  That same capacity of will can help us return to service and redeem lost time.  How we exercise to become fit for service and capable of altruism is through making choices to engage with community and with God.  This engagement will feel awkward at first, but it’s a universal truth that transition periods are never graceful.  Perseverance is the key; it was one of Dean Muñiz’ frequently listed attributes.  Perseverance is a choice that inevitably churns out results.

I was so powerfully moved simply by Dean Muñiz’ friendship that I’m repeatedly amazed at the many new things I continue learning about her, from just the week after her death to years later.  When I went to the seminary to see if I could get a statement from Dr. Clifford Jones, I was told, “He’s a hard one to catch,” which I could understand.  And so I was surprised that when I told him what I was writing a paper focusing on Dean Muñiz, he invited me into his office, shut the door and gave me a generous twenty minutes of his busy day, unrushed and completely present.  I think it is yet another testimony of the lasting impact altruistic lives have; their memories are cherished ones.

Dr. Jones shared with me, “Esperanza was a gem of a human being…she was deeply spiritual as you know; she loved God…she was passionate about mission and ministry.  She was an advocate for those who were marginalized…she was a teacher – elementary school level in New York City; that also sensitized her to need, working with children in the inner city.  Her caring and compassion and spirit and soul were formed and developed in New York City…I have nothing but good memories of her; she left a legacy of caring, authenticity, she lived a life of integrity, she was transparent, she was always encouraging whenever you spoke to her; very positive.  Her outlook on life was very positive. … This might sound almost cliché…the way she responded to, reacted to and engaged her illness [cancer]…I think she left a lesson for people who struggle with a terminal disease or diagnosis at a critical time in her life.  Indefatigable…she just kept fighting back with her cancer.  She was a fighter.  I think that was the irony of her death.  That she had won that fight [cancer], yet the tragedy of a [car] accident…  I think hope encapsulated her life.  She was always about hope.  Fitting that her name ‘Esperanza’ meant in English hope.  Because she was all about hope."

“But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8:24b-25).  According to an average dictionary, hope as a noun is “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.”  And as a verb, hope is “to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence…to believe, desire, or trust.”  According to the Strong’s Concordance for hope in the book of Romans, the Greek word is “elpis,” which means expectation, trust and confidence or to anticipate and welcome; expectation of what is sure.

A woman whose name meant hope touched my life forever through service.  Her ripple effect on my life – especially after coming out of extremely difficult years due to grieving her death and other losses – has taught me how crucial hope is to service.  It is concrete to me now, not cliché anymore.  Getting involved to serve our mess of a world is to sign up for a high risk of disheartenment.  Only hope can sustain continued service in such a broken, needy world full of shallow sarcasm, numbness, abuse and terror.

Hope comes from altruism’s brand of love, which comes from God, which fuels service indefinitely.  Galatians 5:6b says, “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love,” and 1 Corinthians 13:7-8a drives home why that is the case: “[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”  Of course the one thing that will never fail is the only thing that counts.  Pure logic.

A great deal of this paper is from Scripture and is of a spiritual nature, but it is so crucial that we don’t miss this, because what this paper is about is the lifeline, fuel and enhancer for all other types of service through avenues of medical care, political aid, financial donations, transportation, starvation relief, dismantling of the sex trade, and more.  The tools of service and altruism will be kept sharp and effective if we pursued a transformation of our hearts through a relationship with God to have real, tangible love to give and a hopeful belief and expectancy that goodness is truer to life than evil, which would fortify all we do with the trustworthy security our global community both craves and needs so deeply.  This security would nurture others to mature, grow and share the same thing with others in the ripple effect that would truly make the world a better place.

The Sore and Gaping Need for Compassion

Many Christians have lost the true meaning of compassion.  I wonder if some of us ever really knew it.  Before someone re-read the actual definition of it to me back in February (2014), I had made a more generalized assumption about its implications.  It's not just looking at someone hurting or someone in need and thinking to yourself, "Aww, man, that's too bad," which is the most minimal kind of responsiveness.

No.

Compassion is a word of compound meaning that profoundly pummels the person experiencing it.

Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy or sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

First of all, compassion is:

1. Deep. // Extended far down from the top or surface. // When you are affected deeply, what affects you doesn't leave quickly or easily and it takes a lot out of you and bleeds into most of your thoughts and actions consciously and unconsciously.

2. Sympathy or Sorrow. // Sympathy is harmony of or agreement in feeling between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions. // Sorrow is grief, sadness, or regret; distress caused by loss, affliction or disappointment. // When you experience sympathy, you experience a similarity with the person in pain; you're not at odds with what they're going through. // When you experience sorrow, you experience a strata of pain and loss that literally and genuinely burdens your heart; you are not detached.  You are not okay.

3. Another. // Further, additional, distinct, different. // Not for yourself.  For someone else - a person outside yourself.  This word does not say whether that person knows you, loves you or benefits you; this word only says it is someone else, freeing it to be anyone.

4. Stricken. // Wounded, beset, afflicted. // When someone has been stricken, they are functioning at a diminished capacity and a pained one.

5. Misfortune. // Adverse or evil fortune, bad luck, affliction, accident, disaster, calamity, catastrophe, blow, an unfortunate or disastrous event. // Misfortune is something they didn't want; something you wouldn't want either.  Misfortune is universally undesirable.

6. Accompanied. // To go along with or in company with, to join in action, to associate with, to escort, to play or sing with, shadowed by, attended, escorted, chaperoned, consorted with, led by. // To be accompanied is to not be abandoned, to not be neglected, to not be left alone, to not be ignored, to not be lost, to not be left, to not be disregarded. 

7. Strong. // Having, showing or able to exert great power; robust and vigorous, forceful, especially able, competent, firmness, courage. // If something is of a strong quality, it is not brittle or temporary or malleable; it is dynamically capable and indomitable, which is to say: unconquerable.

8. Desire. // To wish or long for, crave, want, as for something that brings satisfaction. // Desire can be understood as a need, a hunger, an ardor, a motive, urge, proclivity, devotion or yearning.

9. Alleviate. // To make easier to endure, lessen, mitigate, to lighten, diminish, abate, relieve, assuage. // To alleviate something is to - at the core - do something about it to change its current state so it is better than when you first were exposed to it.  Alleviate is not a passive, abstract word; it implies action and engagement.

10. Suffering. // Agony, torture, pain, distress, torment, misery, ordeal, anguish, hardship, discomfort, grief, sorrow, dolor, sadness, affliction. // Suffering is universally feared.  Suffering is something you would want alleviated.  Suffering is so undesirable that the avoidance or alleviation of it is the selling point of manipulative & money-making marketing.  Suffering does not feel good.  It gives God no pleasure whatsoever: "It is a mistake to entertain the thought that God is pleased to see His children suffer" (Ellen White, Steps to Christ).

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If you read all that ^ word for word, does your brain feel a little overwhelmed?  If so, I think that's appropriate.  The true meaning of compassion puts us to shame in contrast to how we live our lives, even with those we love.  It is a struggle to not take our loved ones for granted at a certain point, and an even bigger struggle to cultivate such a proactive sensitivity to strangers as what compassion compels.

Almost a year after I left England...

My last blog was a venting session.

I was a very different woman before I went to England than when I left it, and even more so now.  A huge amount of draining (positive/negative) life events happened after I left England.  Re-entry anxiety wasn't really allowed in my life situation, so my last blog was I think the biggest show of re-entry.

I was a lot more neurotic before England.  I had a lot more static and some stuff I just couldn't wrap my head around.  Now I get it.  And now I miss it.

I've been back on AU campus where I was spoiled before I went to England.  But the gloriously rough time I had in England spoiled AU for me.  There's something about a campus run by ideals that's a relief from the "crunch time" of reality.  But within this educational institution is a lot of time to argue over this option and that one, when what matters is actually pretty simple.

I had so much dissonance when I first went to England because I used to do all that "shades of gray" arguing and being an SM at Stanborough was baptism by fire into how the real world works, how fast you have to think on your feet and what matters in the long term vs. what doesn't.  The culture in England didn't have time for my nerves and preferences, but you know what, I'm kinda glad they're gone.  I like the changes that happened to me in England even though I hated the process (who wouldn't?  It hurts).

I miss England, I want to go back.  I'm entertaining fantasies about not just visiting but working there.  This could be just huge pangs of missing England, but I'm not so sure.  The loves that are true you never get over.  Withdrawal pains eventually cease.  Some people you're happy to stay in touch with through the internet but it doesn't kill you to not be with them in person.

I do love Andrews University, I do.  I love what it stands for and it's filled with precious people.  People are precious everywhere; God made them that way.

But there's something about American culture that no longer makes me feel really at home here.
I haven't quite put my finger on it yet.

I just know that right now, when I think about what I'm going to do over the summer and what classes I'll take next year, my reaction is pretty numb.  But when I think of going back to England and getting back into the hard work I came to embrace, and the people I lived, loved & worked with, I light up...!

Again, I'm aware that this might be just that I'm missing England badly.

But what if it's not?

Lots of people are born and raised in one country and then they transplant to another.

My parents won't be thrilled about this next part, but even while my grades are better than I've ever had (like wow, hello Dean's list), I'm struggling to find motivation to keep taking the classes I need to graduate.

Since I'm studying to be in ministry, yet I did ministry as a student missionary in England, why do I need to finish?  I know it's a stupid question, but I feel moody and I'm just putting it out there.

One thing that could very well be affecting my motivation towards getting degrees, certifications & whatnot is that the last year of 2011 had a lot of loss, shock and heartbreak.  Way too much.  I was in heavy grieving last fall and I'm still not over everything that happened, but at a certain point I felt I needed to suck it up so others around me wouldn't feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes I think people treat grief like a mental illness, like if someone keeps grieving past a certain point (and who the hell gets to decide that point??), then there's something wrong with them.  No.  Grief shows love.  How long and hard you grieve is how deep and wide you loved.  It also shows the nature of the loss.  Last year I had one gradual loss that finally finished and then two shocking, sudden losses that were beyond my control. Horrific to me.

Maybe loss has simplified my life too much.

It's certainly made me feel like a lot of my old "ties" to this world have been cut and all I want to do is kiss school goodbye and just work with people.

Yeah, if/when my parents see this, I'm sure they'll flip.  Daddy wants me to get a doctorate in something and Mom agrees.  Ugh.  Doctorate.  Ugh.

I feel like getting a super-duper specialization in something means that then I'll be in a super-specific place and be able to see & interact less people because my specialty makes me in demand.

But I see somebody with "doctoral material" as having more effect by spreading themselves around.

I'm cursed with being good at whatever I put my mind to.  Picking one thing to hone in on is hard.  It makes me feel like I'd have to get rid of other things.

I've already said goodbye to violin.
I'm not a voice major anymore and I barely have lessons anymore.
I've studied early levels of Spanish and have great pronunciation but I haven't traveled overseas to get fluent yet.  I'm good at communications but it's only my minor.  I'm good with psychology too, yet it is also a minor.  Religion is also something I'm conquering, but even in class I feel like we're arguing over details that don't matter.  In a Biblical studies class the teacher said jewelry is a social issue, not a moral one.  So why the hell do we discriminate against people by appearance since God looks at the heart?  In Theology, we learn about how "what we believe" has developed to what it is now, and I'm learning all these complex theories for how to understand the cross, etc., but when you're dealing with a church member who is emotionally abused, how does the different between Karl Barth and Martin Luther help them?  I feel like we have such complex things to study, because we left simplicity in the first place.  How do all the theories and systems and facts we have to memorize help at all when the most serious things that affect a person (pain & loss in their various forms) are best ministered to NOT THROUGH WORDS?!

Why do I need to get such a costly education to learn other people's opinions when the love of God is now?  When the love of God is simple?  When the love of God is already available for me and for others?  When God's love led Jesus to choose uneducated men to spread the good news?  When God's love is best communicated through friendship, an embrace, a listening ear, a tender touch, and a helping hand, not an exegesis paper few people will read or a sermon people can walk away from and forget, why do I have to do this to myself?

It is so difficult to keep your personal faith alive going through the system of religious education.  It's a process that makes many people (I've seen) as good for the world as PROCESSED FOOD is for your body.  But those who were least "refined" and more simple & raw - like fruits & vegetables - may not look like gourmet dishes with an awesome resume, but boy do they get results!  Boy do they know how to make people feel loved!  Those "least refined" people are the real people living in the real world.  Today so many people going into ministry want to shelter themselves from the things of the world, yet they want to be successful in ministry.  How can you be in the world but not of it unless you are exposed to it?  If you want to be successful in ministry and not see the crap that's out there, all you want to do is preach from a pulpit to people who will already agree to you.  The early church grew because people were telling others about Jesus and embracing them as their own, sharing things, mourning with those who mourned and rejoicing with those who rejoiced.  Mixing classes and cultures.  Coming together.  The continued fusion became growth.  And then instead of growing, it started branching to the point that there are tons of various denominations to choose from, all of them offering the truth.

What is it with all this class-taking just to share God's love?

I don't have a conclusion.
I have a bad mood.

I miss England.

And more than England, I just want the Great Controversy to be over so we can all go Home.

Can you tell that I'm tired?

I am.

But don't worry I'm not going anywhere.

Except maybe England, later, I don't know...

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Pray for me, I am not happy with my life these days.