Further Ripples

Some randomly occurring bits for you...

A few weeks ago on Sabbath, I had a treat!  A visiting (married) couple at our church turned out to be ex-student missionaries.  When they heard I had just gotten back from my SM posting, they brightened up and told me they'd been SMs together in South America - 'twas where they met & fell in love.  I, in turn, brightened up at seeing two people who understood "what it's like."

We talked about the basics; where we'd been and what we were doing as SMs...  It was short and sweet, but it felt like taking the lid off my Pandora's Box of my struggles.  These days when I notice that I have trouble with reverse culture shock, it's not a constant awareness.  It surprises me.  I think it's been so important for me to get control over my emotions because when I got back to America, my life was so busy for a solid month (in many different places) that my emotional ups & downs were unwelcome complications for memorial & graveside services, weddings, graduation weekends and all the road trips & plane trips in between during which I had to be pleasant (preferably).

My encounter with the ex-SM couple gave me a quick preview of what a relief and pleasure it'll be to be reunited with all the other SMs when we go back to school.  Japhet put it very well: "Everyone is going to want to hear about your experience, but they're going to want to hear it in 2 minutes and then they quit listening."  Most people - with a few delightful exceptions - want what we've all gone through and how we've changed to be a pithy, quaint testimony in the form of a fortune cookie.

Even family, with whom it's wonderful to be back with, don't quite understand, and it does feel lonely sometimes.  A blessing, though, is that having introverted needs means I don't mind the solitude; I need it, actually.

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Also, I wanted to share that while certain changes were inevitable and will always be, some of the better ones wear off if you don't deliberately nurture them.  Basically I mean tendencies towards service.  Those tendencies were very fresh when I first got back, but then I caught myself acting kinda ugly after about a month.  The instances were extremely minor and before I was an SM, I would have labeled them as "taking care of me" but not anymore.

Beforehand, the SM environment was the set of supportive stilts for being unselfish.  Now, we don't necessarily have supportive stilts, but we do have opportunities that are just as frequent to be loving and helpful.

I say that I caught myself acting ugly.  I use the word ugly, because it just wasn't appealing.  Not necessarily repellant, but unappealing, and you know what else?  I didn't feel like myself when I acted that way.  When we keep trying to live a life of loving kindness to others, the person God intended and designed us to be shines through.

This thing is bigger than the year of service we gave.

Let's not waste it.

Reverse Culture Shock

http://www.oxy.edu/x5228.xml

I'm starting to look up online links to help me with what I'm going through.  Reading that euphoria over returning home lasts a few weeks makes sense and that afterwards comes irritability, which also makes sense.

I'm looking up these things, because I want to be as informed as I can, so I can make the best choices I can.  Choices made without available knowledge send me to be swept away when I could be in a boat, though dealing with the exact same waves.

Thank goodness I have understanding parents who are thrilled that I'm back with them.

I don't find myself nearly so irritable (yet) as I do "limp noodle"-ish.  My old environment's challenges were motivators for me to spend time with God to stay sane and when I wasn't by myself, I was always doing something or with someone.  Now, it's like my props have fallen away and I'm a cooked macaroni noodle kinda boppin' in a dish...

BUT the good thing is that my time at Stanborough has given me inclinations towards keeping the house and kitchen tidy and preparing suppers for Daddy when he gets home from work.  I'm much more domestic than I used to be, and as for my devotional life, it's not that I have no focus, just that I balk at my reaction to the over-abundance of free time I once craved...

I'm not in pain or miserable, but limbo is not one of my talents, but I'm doing my best and I know this rest and waiting period is something that will be good for me just the way it is: it shouldn't be jazzed up or decorated, necessarily.  Oswald Chambers talks sometimes about (I'm not directly quoting; just paraphrasing from memory) how the real challenge of Christianity is being faithful in drudgery.  We can get through crises by the skin of our teeth and heaven knows mountaintop experiences are a high to ride, but the day-in, day-out drudgery?  Yeeeeah.  No glory, no glamor...  Not even all that gritty either...

It just is.

I've been home for more than a week now...

A more simple description of my returning-home-reaction that I think will be more widely helpful:

At first everything's as if you never said goodbye.
Because this home that you've returned to is where your roots are.

And then everything starts looking different, shaded by where you actually WERE for the last year.
Because where you were became the home where you grew and bloomed in new ways.

I find that while the pressures of being an SM are no longer on me, I don't want to kick up my feet - emotionally - and go back to the way I lived life before.  It's work to practice unselfishness and extra thoughtfulness, but the payoff of peace from trusting God is preferable to the endless and fruitless work of fending off anxiety that comes from being "justifiably" selfish and trying to once again take control.

I want to keep alive and keep tending what only began to bloom in England.  It may seem tricky to do since now I'm back in the states, but you know how it can happen for me ... and for whichever SM is reading this?

Because it's MY heart I brought back with me from England.  Not someone else's.
Everything changed, but it's my heart I brought back.

AND.

The same God who never left me while I was nauseous with nerves flying to England, who never left me while I was scared and stiff learning how to serve correctly, who never left me while I made mistakes, grew, fussed & flailed, was broken down and finally settled down - the same wonderful Jesus is still with me now.

When you eventually fly home, all the changes can be kept.
All the lessons learned preserved.

The pressure that reminded you to turn to God as often as you did isn't there anymore, but while you're still feeling phantom pain of your old restraints' absence, see now as a time to turn to God just as much out of love, not just need.  Out of desire for more, out of hunger for new, out of belief in the miracles God can do.  And how about out of gratitude???

Your journey is still with God, but the challenge ... the opportunity is what's new.

Did you tap into new riches of God while you were gone?  Are you still at your SM post and still in the midst (or last stretches) of this season of service?  When it's over and when you go home, it's not the end.  Not if you ask Jesus to show you how and follow His lead...
I promise.

Afterglow and Aftermath

This blog is for my fellow SMs and for people who've been following along from the States.  To my loved ones in England, take it in stride, please, though I know some of you will have an easier time with it.

While it was happening, my term as a student missionary felt like 10 minutes ... underwater.  Now that it's over and I'm back in Berrien Springs typing this blog from my favorite lounge in Lamson Hall, I cannot believe how fast the time has flown.  The speed at which SO much is now over is surreal to me.

I thought I'd be a mess the day I left.  I did cry a little bit about three times on my last Sabbath morning, but what took over was the gut-wrenching feeling of being locked into a roller coaster about to take off at warp speed = another huge change is coming, I'm locked into it and I'm scared because this is happening too fast.

I got good at swallowing tears this year.  I didn't not cry - heavens no! - but I learned to suppress and swallow emotions that weren't so pressing as to be necessary.  I had to.  And on my last day in England, emotions were definitely swirling, but they weren't willing to be near the surface for some reason.  And so I decided to not encourage them, since the "pre-roller-coaster" feeling was bad enough.

My VERY dear friend Lynette Allcock came with me to the airport; we held hands the whole drive to Heathrow rather than breaking down.  She'd been a student missionary before me and understood what I was going through.  The beginning of my term as an SM was actually right after she'd finally returned to England from her 2 year term in Laos.  She and I both quickly bonded over the feeling of being fish out of water, not to mention a delightfully huge amount of things in common via personalities and ongoing life events.  We hugged for a long time at the airport and decided to not give in to blubbing and to just let it hit us later.  As I began to walk away to exchange my pound bills for dollars and head through security, rather than a wrenching feeling, I began to feel an uncanny peace.  And it only increased...

My flight began at 5:15pm UK time and it landed a little before 8pm Chicago time.  The whole flight was light outside through the windows and it felt like 5 minutes when it was over.  By all means there are relationships tangibly left behind by my recent absence from England, but those relationships aren't over.  They still matter and they haven't died and there's no blockage in the future to bring them to a devastating stop.  What IS over is that "fish out of water" feeling.  As much as I'm adaptable and as much as I learned to love Stanborough Park Church and as much as there is NOTHING that will take its place in my affections, it feels good for this fish to be back in water again.

I thought that going home would feel crazy-different and that Berrien Springs would have new colors and affect me in a shocking way.  But you know what?  It didn't.  The shock was that I felt a way I never thought I'd feel again.  The surprise was that I didn't feel shocked.  Coming back to Berrien Springs felt easy and walking around Andrews University and interacting with familiar faces was effortless.  Unbelievably effortless.

I grew up my whole life in an atmosphere so different from England that my 9 month term there stripped away most of what usually made me feel comfortable.  My retrospect is only beginning to bubble up, let alone be fully processed, but I am clear that life has been strenuous.  Getting used to it and building up emotional muscle didn't make it less so.  It's like having an operation that nearly kills you but if you don't have it you WILL die anyway, for sure.  I know that's drastic, but this year was a personally taxing time and that's not just the best metaphor I have; it's the one I choose.

This year was personally taxing because I also see more clearly now that my job wasn't just to do a job.  It was to have a new life.  To live in a small flat with 3 other people very different from myself, to adapt to them and to embrace it that our flat was smack dab in the middle of where we worked.  I lived with the people I worked with (one of whom = one of my many bosses) every day and I lived in my 24-7 work environment.  It was nifty & efficient at first, but that wore off eventually.  I'll be blunt: the weekends weren't just reversed.  Friday night through Saturday night went from being the most relaxed time of the week to being the time with the most work.  Such is ministry in the 21st century.  That was a hard adjustment.  Going from being a student who was ministered to by worship services, I became a non-student who was supposed to make worship services for teens, several of whom couldn't care less.  There are other cultures to serve in where it's "worldly" but who would have thought that working in a church and being DUNKED in a nasty struggle with secular comforts would go hand in hand!  Who would have thought that my greatest struggle to hold onto my faith would happen in a church, and a productive one at that!  Because a godly-looking cynicism was the easiest and most effective coping mechanism for the busyness required and the brokenness unavoidable...  But like cocaine, feeling the powerful effects of something (like cynicism) doesn't mean you should adopt it in your vitamin regimen.  No, no, no...  Satan's ways don't satisfy in the end but that doesn't mean they can't distract and it also doesn't mean they can't look like the sensible choice on the outset.  When I first started in Watford, few things were more disheartening than the weekend, but by the time I left, small flickers of interest and response from the teens who attended were golden.  Full genuine sentences made me feel alive!

When I first came, I hated Toddler Club.  There, I said it.  I didn't try to "look pretty" or inviting.  Thursdays were about survival and for awhile I used my earphones and iPod to cope with how much I couldn't stand Toddler Club.  For awhile I know my presence was like a dark cloud on the edge of a "cute festival."  By the time I left, I no longer was afraid of my Thursdays.  They were a breeze and I actually enjoyed working alone.  And Toddler Club?  It was a happy, smiling time.  No angst whatsoever; no earphones or iPod either.  A woman I worked with encouraged me to take them off and ask God into my feelings and in the end, I wound up sharing my music with my co-workers during tidy-up time.  We got done in half the time and wished we'd started playing music sooner!  I smile at the memory and feel regretful, too.  But I can't change the past.  While joy might have been known sooner in that situation, at least God made it work for the joy to be heightened in the end to make up for lost time.  Yesterday, my best friend Kayleen said that she could tell I'd been spending lots of time with little kids, and she's an awesome mother & parent, so I was pretty stoked by her off-hand compliment.

Teens & Toddler Club = just 2 examples with a decent dose of vague out of respect.  I know I'm supposed to write a student missionary blog, but I can't bring myself to truly dissect and divulge everything, because I had a life in England and it wasn't some project.  I lived and worked and loved with people.  It was a personal time and the whole experience - unrated - would make one heck of an unbelievable read.  I would have to be very full of myself or sure of myself to make a statement like that.  Since this year has brought me to the end of myself, you can be sure I'm telling you the truth that I've been holding back for good reasons.  

As the afterglow is winding down, the aftermath kicks in and I realize there's an overwhelming amount of things to process.  So much that I just want to shut down and so much that I wish life was simpler.  But this morning I journaled & prayed to God about it and He showed me something like this:

"For so long you've eaten from the fruit of knowledge.  Eat from life instead.  Rest in My love.  Let go.  Remember how I've led you in the past and remember how your human ways have let you down.  You know those roads and where they end.  Just trust that I've got you and I will make sure you know what you need at the right time.  You will be safe in My arms.  You weren't made to know and control everything.  You were made for life and love.  Let Me worry about power and control.  Rest in My love.  For now, it's all over."

At first, this seems like the hardest thing for me to do.  But not really anymore...  The past year - not just this 9 month SM term - has intimately acquainted me with how short my best efforts & ideas fall without Jesus.  Without my Savior God whom I've become desperately needy for.  Some of those ideas and beliefs frankly had no business existing.  It's embarrassing how much I need God.  It's not poetic.  But it's become such a relief to be broken into the reality of my sinful human condition and not just in acknowledgment of one sinful, human mistake.  There's an ocean of difference between the two and it's a life-changing experience...

I don't know what all you, my fellow SMs, have been learning about yourselves and about God as your terms wind down, but I hope this helps.  I know it's more of a personal vs. principle angle, so parts of it might be hard to apply but this year has been deep-tissue personal and since we're all SMs I know all of it's not lost on you as you read.

I think, as we all come back home in our own time, that we need to let God do the leading as we rebuild our lives yet again.

He's got this.

Pre-flight (reprise)

This time around, it's not so flowing & thoughtful as my first blog.

Packing 9 months worth of a life for a flight the next day is like cramming for a test that's gonna happen in a few hours.

Stress.

Energy drinks.

Some progress.

More stress.

Somehow I will make this happen...!

BAH.

Am I the only one or...

does anyone else preparing to leave their SM post soon feel nervous about flying back?  Is it on record that ex-SMs felt nervous about the return journey and its aftermath?

I guess some of why I'm scared is because how I've imagined things "at home" from what I've heard is unlikely to be what it actually looks like.

It's just such a big leap...  And the time has come to do it again...

It is absolutely surreal to me that I have less than a week left.

Emotions BAH!!!

Last night the most epic going away SURPRISE part was thrown for meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted SO BADLY to have all the emotions that I KNOW were moved come to the SURFACE right THEN so that the day I leave I won't be sick to my stomach and crying like a baby right after church.

Guess what?  Aww shucks, you know what or else I wouldn't be ranting.

Last night there was no crying, just an awareness underneath one of the most amazing nights EVER that I'm going to be a perfect mess the day I leave.

I love everyone here so much!!!!!!!

Coming to Stanborough Park Church was like beginning a whole new life.  It was a job, but that was one small facet.  It's not just a job.  Oh man...  I've begun a whole new life here and my heart has been stretched - genuinely - for tons of new friends who are my age, younger, older, elderly and so young that they're barely using real sentences yet.

But I guess emotions are out of my control - out of everyone's control - because God designed us to work a certain way that would tell us the truth rather than having the messy glory controlled away by our foolish notions.

Still, I'm gonna be a mess on May 21.  I'm going to get rid of all my mascara ahead of time.  Seriously.

Oh dear...

I'M SO GLAD THAT THERE WERE RECORDED VIDEOS, PICTURES, THAT THERE WILL BE FACEBOOK, SKYPE AND FUTURE PLANE TICKETS TO CONNECT US IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh dear...