Tuesday, October 13, 2015

A Prayer of Getting Lost in God

*Toward the end of this poetic reading, I borrowed heavily from the song "Be Born In Me" by Francesca Battistelli to the extent that it's 98-99% copying & pasting (because I did tweak the lyrics just a bit) - I just wanted to give credit where credit was due so it didn't seem like I was plagiarizing!  This reading was read at our wedding by a friend of mine over a live instrumental performance of "Be Born In Me" (that song speaks powerfully to me - it's about so much more than Mary, the mother of Jesus).  It arose from journaling exercises I did in Dannah Gresh's book, "Get Lost," which I mostly did before I began dating my husband.  That book helped me turn a crucial corner without which I would not have been ready for my husband or for marriage.  

I hope you're inspired to pursue God in deeper ways for having read this.  Blessings to you.


Usually we don’t consider being lost a good thing
It is poetic, but it is never practical 
And in Christian jargon, being lost means sin
It means you have fallen off the path
Or fallen off the wagon
Being lost means Separation from God
Because, “Oh…that person lost their way…”

But what if you were lost IN God?
What if you knew only your destination and your Guide?
That your destination was worth any suffering and everything you think you want
…That your Guide has been and always will be perfectly trustworthy
…That your Guide has always loved you and fiercely desires you to have joy?
What if you were lost IN God?

God’s way is narrow
And His daylight is blinding at first
As light always is after so much darkness
But God’s way is also an adventure and a pleasure
A voyage into YOUR unknown with the God who knows ALL

To get lost in God and to stay lost in God
Is to finally experience that heartbreak can be peripheral
That pain can coexist with peace and joy
That despite what losses occur, you are still genuinely grateful for God
Because you know that to lose Him is to be ruined for anything less
To lose God is the most profound suffering there is

To get lost in God and to stay lost in God
You must open your heart and keep it open
No one can take surrender away from you
And so I offer to you this prayer I have learned
That rose from the ashes of getting it wrong so many times
This prayer I prayed over and over again in the last few months I was single
This prayer that made me ready for the man God had for me
This prayer of losing myself in my Maker
And returning to my First Love
A prayer of getting lost in God

Dear Jesus,
I’ve gotten attached and fallen in love so many times.  I am so sick of this vicious, violent cycle.  Even when I tried to stop, Satan still found a way to sneak weeds into my resolve.  Jesus, I know that You are the only Person who can help and that I need You desperately – in greater amounts than ever. 

My soul has been greatly endangered by all the loss I’ve known.  I need You more than ever, yet all my addictions have handicapped me.  All of them didn’t help me.  They only made me farther away from the healing I need and less able to receive it. 

I know that meeting someone new won’t help – I finally know that.  Just saying it revives bitter soreness.  I am so good at turning to things besides You, Jesus.  Have mercy on me.  Help me.      

God, I want an appetite for Your love above all other loves.  There will be no marriage in heaven, though You have created it as a divine institution and holy blessing for us here on earth now.  Help me to desire You whom I need before I can ever be married and whom I will alone assuredly have should something happen to my marriage.  My relationship with You is the most important thing about me – about my life.  Everything I love and want is only possible and only comes from You, Lord.  Clean my heart.  I want to crave You more than I crave a mate. 
Holy Spirit intercede for me… 

It seems as if I can’t do anything for very long without needing to withdraw and numb myself.  I am horrified to realize the things I let into my bleeding soul rather than You, Jesus, when I had been hurt.  Brutal honesty with myself and with You is how I need to cope with life.  I need to get over my unrealistic and neurotic compulsions to look as perfect as I can.  I need to risk rejection from the world around me or I will never heal.     

Jesus, I commit to coming to You honestly, and to not believe the lie that I have to be presentable for You to love me.  You love me even though I’m not perfect.  I promise to fall on You pathetically sobbing rather than turn to a soul-numbing counterfeit.  I promise to give my tears to You rather than seeking out some form of a fix.  I promise that when something gives me genuine joy, I will praise and thank You and not forget that You are the source of everything good. 

And I promise that when any and all reminders of different losses try to make me take my eyes off You that – instead – I will pray to see with Your eyes and to be still and open my heart to be known by You and to open my hands to let fly the losses like birds. 

I am afraid of the pain of humiliation and of abandonment.  I’m afraid of sharing Your new life inside my heart in the wrong way and succumbing to insidious sabotages and continually miscarrying the dream You put in me.  I’ve lost so many second chances You’ve given me so graciously and generously.  But I know being consumed by Your unselfish love is the life I want, Lord. 

Be born in me, Jesus.  All other gain is loss compared to knowing and experiencing You.  Consume me, body and soul, oh Lord.  You are my desired haven.  Invade the cells of my very being.  On my own, I can only love You like a friend, but I pray that my longing will be for Your heart in time. 

Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
If You are pleased with me, why am I so terrified?

Somehow help me see with Heaven’s eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees
You are holy and I am blessed

Be born in me
Be born in me
My heart is trembling
But somehow I believe that You chose me
I’ll hold You in the beginning
You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle
Make my heart Your Bethlehem
Be born in me

All this time I’ve waited for Your promise
All this time You’ve waited for my arms
Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected
So I might know that Love would go that far?

I am not brave
I’ll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I’m just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing
I am Yours

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